What Covid-19 Means For Feminism At Home - Eve Rodsky

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Now that we are all tethered to our homes, you may be doing more laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning (did we say dishes?), nose wiping, bottom wiping and emotionally tending to your kids and teens.

So it seems super timely to talk to the woman who has emerged as a leader in the movement to end the gendered division of labor at home and how to divvy up that labor as equitably as possible.

Eve Rodsky has spent almost a decade surveying women and men about who does what at home to understand how and why we divide up labor along gender lines--and how to shift it--she’s talked with Economists, Psychologists, Historians, Neurologists and more.

And she wrote a book that details exactly how to divide and conquer with your partner, the unending duties at home. It’s called "Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution For When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live)". If you’ve been listening to Inflection Point, you may have also caught my conversation with Eve at INFORUM last year. I wanted to hear how her system is working in the Covid-19 world.

We spoke live (on Zoom, of course) for The Battery in San Francisco about how to make changes that are a win for everyone in your home and in society.

Be sure to check out Eve’s TOOLKIT FOR ACTION.

TRANSCRIPT:

Lauren Schiller:
Now that we're all tethered to our homes, you may be doing more laundry, dishes, and other housework and if you have kids, you may have become a home school teacher. And every day is like the weekend, except not because you may also be working on top of feeding, cleaning, nose wiping, bottom wiping, and emotionally tending to your kids or teens or partner. So it seems super timely for us to talk to the woman who has emerged as a leader in the movement to end the gendered division of labor at home, and how to divvy up that labor as equitably as possible.

Lauren Schiller:
Eve Rodsky has spent almost a decade serving women and men about who does what at home to understand how and why we divide up labor along gender lines and how to shift it. She's talked with economists, psychologists, historians, neurologists, and more and she wrote a book that details exactly how to divide and conquer with your partner the unending duties at home, it's called Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live).

Lauren Schiller:
If you've been listening to Inflection Point, you may have also caught my conversation with Eve at INFORUM last year. I wanted to hear how her system is working in the COVID-19 world. We spoke live on Zoom, of course, for the battery in San Francisco, about how to make changes that are a win for everyone in your home and in society. If you found any time to read the news, here's a fun fact that might've popped out at you.

Eve Rodsky:
There's been 70, 7-0 articles that have come out since March 8th that say things like women are doing a double, double shift or coronavirus is a disaster for feminism or that it's unsustainable for women to continue to do unpaid labor, and so while I'll say that, yes, it's great to have all these articles. This is not a new problem. We've been talking about this for a hundred years, so it's time for us to move from talking about the problem and keep reintroducing the problem to actually move toward a solution.

Lauren Schiller:
One of the headlines I read was “nearly half of men say they do most of the homeschooling, 3% of women agree”.

Eve Rodsky:
Yes, there's an over-reporting trend between men and women and the heterosis gender relationship and yes, we can definitely go into why that happened.

Lauren Schiller:
This is Inflection Point. I'm Lauren Schiller with stories of how women rise up. Let's hear a little more about Eve's story and why she began this quest to end the gender division of labor, and then we'll get into how you can get a few hours of your life back. We'll be right back. We're back with Eve Rodsky.

Eve Rodsky:
This started with a text my husband sent me eight years ago, right? My husband sent me a text that said, "I'm surprised you didn't get blueberries." And it was actually a very COVID like moment Lauren, because you can sort of picture the scene, if you can indulge me. I just had my second son, Ben. My son, Zach was three at the time. I had a breast pump and a diaper bag in the passenger seat of my car. I had gifts for a newborn baby to return in the backseat of my car. I had opted out and I put that in quotes now because I learned from sociologist [Pam Stone 00:03:36] that I did not opt out, society pushed me out of the traditional workforce so I just started my new firm.

Eve Rodsky:
I had a client contract. I'm a lawyer and a mediator in my lap. I had a pen that was stabbing me in the vagina as I was racing to pick up Zach from his toddler transition program, which in America lasts like three minutes because we value working families. On top of this chaos where the space time continuum was sort of collapsing on me, Seth sends me this text out of nowhere, I'm surprised you didn't get blueberries.

Eve Rodsky:
I pull over to the side of the road that day, thinking to myself this is very cliche, right? That my marriage is going to fall apart over off season blueberries, but what I was really thinking was I used to be able to manage employee teams and now I'm so overwhelmed. I'm not even managing a grocery list and more importantly, how did I become the she-fault as I call them Fair Play, right? The default, the she-fault for most of the cognitive labor, the conception and planning for literally every single household and childcare task that was not supposed to happen to me. I'm a product of a single mom.

Eve Rodsky:
At seven years old I was her partner, her parental child. I paid her bills. I learned how to use her chemical bank checkbook to pay her bills as early as seven. I helped my disabled brother with his SSD. I managed her eviction notices. I had vowed Lauren, that this was not going to happen to me. On top of that, I'm a Harvard trained attorney and mediator so I'm actually literally trained and... overly trained with continuing legal education to facilitate to mediate and to use my voice and so I kept thinking to myself, if this was happening to me that two thirds or more of what it takes to run a home and family is falling on my lap. Someone who vowed it wasn't going to happen to them and is trained to communicate then I figured it's probably happening to other women.

Eve Rodsky:
And now as we know that there's 70 articles that have come out since March that say that coronavirus is a disaster for feminism. The UN has a sustainability goal, 5.4, which says value unpaid labor so that women don't do $10.9 trillion a year of unpaid labor, that that's unsustainable for economies. I realized that this was not a me issue, that my private issue was actually a public trouble and that was sort of the eight year journey to get where I was today. I will say that I'm not surprised by how everything breaks down because again women statistically do two thirds or more of what it takes to run a home and family, regardless of whether we work outside the home and it's worse, it gets worse. The higher, the more you make, which is very counterintuitive.

Lauren Schiller:
The more money you bring into the home, the more labor you're doing at home.

Eve Rodsky:
The more work you do. Correct.

Lauren Schiller:
Now what is happening there? Because no one could do it as good as we can. Is that what-

Eve Rodsky:
Correct. Yes, I think what's... so again, what I love, we'll definitely get to practical those solutions and I appreciate that couples are here together, but I think it's really important again, to go a little cultural consciousness and 70 articles have been about this issue and then we can get into practical solutions which do work. My husband is not that blueberries man. He's holding many cards right now and we'll talk about the metaphor of the Fair Play cards, but the real core issue was that the smallest details Lauren, are creating the biggest problems.

Eve Rodsky:
I have a woman telling me that she hates her husband because he leaves beard shavings in the sink. I had a man tell me he was locked out of his house over a glue stick. This is before COVID. He had to go into New York City. He lives in White Plains, New York because he forgot to bring a glue stick home from his wife's perspective. She'd been working two weeks on an Einstein biography project. She just needed that glue stick. I'm crying over off season blueberries, right? This issue is manifesting as a private life issue that we all sort of gripe about but as a mediator I'm trained that the presenting problem is never the real problem.

Eve Rodsky:
I went out and looked for what the real problem was. That took me 500 interviews with men and women that mirror the U.S. census and what I found was that the core underlying issue in the division of labor problem that needs to be fixed first, before we go onto solutions, is that as a society, men, women, and children, especially in those homes. Men, women in society and children, we view men's time as finite like diamonds and we view women's time is infinite like sand. That value of time discrepancy, we see that in the workplace because women and men in the same job make less money.

Eve Rodsky:
If you're a woman of color, it's even worse. We know that as women enter male professions, the salaries go down but what I wasn't prepared for was what I had to keep writing in every interview, which was CIYOO which was complicit in your own oppression. It was women. Women, we are the worst purveyors of what I call these toxic time messages where we guard men's time like diamonds and we treat our time as infinite like sand.

Eve Rodsky:
I'll just give you three examples and then we can go more Q&A. One was, women who said to me, of course I do. I pick up the call from the doctor and take my kids to the pediatrician. I pick up the blueberries because my husband makes more money than me, so that's a losing argument for women because that means that because I chose philanthropy and my husband chose private equity, I'm now going to be doing unpaid labor for the rest of my life. It doesn't work, especially in the same job even if we don't even make the same as men. The time is money doesn't work.

Eve Rodsky:
Women said to me, things like I'm a better caretaker. I'm wired differently. I'm a better multitasker. Lauren, I went to the top neuroscientists in this country that one of my clients funds and that was the only other day I cried besides the blueberries day was when this man said to me, when I said are women wired differently? Do we have better executive function than men? This old school, white neuroscientist said to me, no, but imagine if we can convince half the population, we being men, that they're better at wiping asses and doing dishes, how great for me and the other half of the population, he's like, it's totally pat... he didn't say patriarchal. He said, it's just totally conditioning.

Eve Rodsky:
That made me cry. I actually cried that day, and then one of the most popular was a lot of women in heterosis gender relationships were saying to me in the time it takes me to tell my partner what to do, I might as well do it myself. I went to [Dan Arielli 00:10:35] my close friend and very top behavioral economist in the Wall Street Journal. He said, that's a terrible argument because of course it makes sense to tell your partner how to wipe the asses and do the dishes. Otherwise you're doing it forever and your resentment is up here and your partner is invisibly living with you and it sucks. Finally, even women and men in the same job, I had two shipping supervisors at [UPS 00:10:57].

Eve Rodsky:
I had two colorectal surgeons say to me, "Well, yes, we have the same job, but I can find the time, and my husband is better at focusing on one task at a time." As I like to say, unless you're Albert Einstein and know how to fuck with the space time continuum, there's actually no way to find time and especially now when our space time continuum is collapsing. Unless we retire these old tropes of these toxic time messages and we start creating an understanding that all time is created equal, Lauren then nothing, nothing I can say after this, no practical solution is going to matter.

Lauren Schiller:
I mean, there's so much in there and I'm thinking... in fact, as I'm talking with you over to my right is a bed full of laundry. He was waiting for me to fold it. Now that everyone's at home... okay, so you are preaching this. We talked last summer, maybe or fall these actions can be observed on a daily basis by both partners.

Eve Rodsky:
Correct.

Lauren Schiller:
What are you hearing about... I mean, is there enlightenment afoot. I mean, are people now that they're home together and more privy to what's going on, I mean, in spite of the fact that the headline that I stated which is the over-reporting factor but the, what do you do all day question? Is that being answered?

Eve Rodsky:
Yes. Yes.

Lauren Schiller:
But with their own eyes.

Eve Rodsky:
That's the silver lining, I do and I will say that I love all you men out there because what I realized was that Fair Play was a love letter to men because this is not really a partner against partner issue. This is a systematic issue. This is, all of our cultural understanding that we guard men's time. Of course, if my time is guarded, I would want to keep it guarded. I wouldn't even see necessarily the problem, right? But what is happening now is the invisible work, the mental load, the second shift, whatever you want to call it but I like invisible work because it is work. It's just unpaid work is finally visible and that to me is the... it is the silver lining and so people are coming to me more now saying there is an understanding. It doesn't necessarily mean yet we are at the expectation of things changing, but at least there's an understanding that the invisible is now visible.

Eve Rodsky:
My favorite meme is now you'll never ask a stay at home mother what she does again all day ever again, and so that invisibility to visibility stage is really important, but we can't stop there. It does require still a system shift. Not only in all time is created equal, but an understanding that even if you bring in more money, right? That unpaid labor should not fall on one person, and what I mean by that is a completely different way of looking at unpaid labor.

Eve Rodsky:
What I want to challenge everybody, especially if you're listening as a couple, is that it's time to start treating our home as our most important organization. What I mean by that is some respect and rigor. Putting systems in place so that we're not setting the table when we're hangry and cranky or being resentful because we're the ones folding the laundry. Those systems are really, really important and it's actually... all Fair Play is borrowed from, is when I went out to figure out what was happening to me on that dreaded blueberries day.

Eve Rodsky:
I started to look at the gendered division of labor articles and women doing more in the home, and I said, well, in my day job, I'm a mediator. I work for highly complex family foundations and family businesses and I set up systems for them so that they have grace and humor and generosity when they're making the most complex financial organizational decisions. We're the organizational management books for the home. I went on Amazon, I started looking and then Lauren, all I could find was the life changing magic of organizing your junk drawer.

Eve Rodsky:
Like how did we get into a life changing magic of organizing your junk drawer conversation when the life changing magic is long-term thinking? It's setting up those systems so you're not the one wiping asses and doing dishes for the rest of your life and then feeling resentful about it and then leaving a real relationship, and we'll talk about communication just really fast. Communication, it all requires a rewire in how you communicate and understanding that when you give a man, especially a heterosis gender, man, what I call a RAT fucked, the random assignment of a task. I just need the glue stick. That is the opposite of how we do things in the workplace.

Eve Rodsky:
Netflix calls it context, not control. The rare responsible person. We know all a lot in the workplace about intrinsic motivation comes from autonomy. Asking you to pick me up a glue stick is not autonomy, and so the opposite of that is what Apple calls the DRI, the directly responsible individual. All Fair Play is, is taking those very simple concepts and bringing them to the home, to say women men, when you hold a card, a Fair Play card, bedtime routine, groceries, laundry, you are doing it with full start to finish. Conception, planning, and execution. Because what I found, Lauren, was that when I went out into the world, especially in heterosis gender relationships, I found that if you think about mustard, everybody out there think about how mustard got in your refrigerator.

Eve Rodsky:
Somebody had to know your second son, Johnny likes French's yellow mustard with his protein, otherwise he chokes. That in organizational management is what we call conception. Then somebody has to monitor that mustard when it's running low and put it on a grocery list with everything else you need for the week. That in project management organizational management is what we call planning, and then someone has to get their butts to the store to purchase the French's yellow mustard. That is the execution phase and that's where heterosis gender men are stepping in and you guys, you're bringing home spicy Dijon, the gross mustard with the seeds every freaking time. I asked you for French's yellow. Don't you know Johnny likes French's yellows. Don't you live in this house and then all of a sudden, we're not talking about mustard anymore, Lauren, we're talking about accountability and trust.

Eve Rodsky:
The only way to get out of that cycle is exactly the opposite of that article, where men think they're doing half, but really women think it's 3%. It's because of that disparity. In over-reporting the signs shows that men are focused on the execution, the purchasing of the yellow mustard whereas they are ignoring the conception and planning to get to that purchasing of the yellow mustard. Once men take over the full conception, planning, and execution, the context, not control, the autonomy of mind, the intrinsic motivation, everything changes and that's how my own house changed. That's how thousands of couples who are playing are changing.

Eve Rodsky:
It's basically divorced for married people because in a divorce, you have to let them take over. Just do divorce for married people and I promise you, it works.

Lauren Schiller:
Well. I like that declaration. You thinking about it, like, because you have to be thinking as an independent person, not as how does she want me to do it or how does he want me to do it? Right? You held up the cards. I think that it would be really helpful if you could talk about the way that you divided the categories and the way that couples can start talking about these tasks that are with us and now more than ever.

Eve Rodsky:
Yes. I'd like to give you results of my survey for the past couple of weeks. Well, since March 8th. I guess it's been like nine weeks now. I've been asking over social media, asking people to go on to fairplaylife where you can see sort of all the cards in the conception, planning, execution, and asking women and men to tell me which ones are causing the most consternation in the home right now. I call them the dirty dozen because it's really a baker's dozen if you have kids, but this is what my survey unearthed. Laundry, groceries, some similar to the survey. Laundry, groceries, meals, home supplies, tidying up, cleaning, dishes, and garbage.

Eve Rodsky:
Now, if you have kids, you add discipline and screen time, homework, which is now home school, watching of children whether they're infants or teenagers who are trying to escape quarantine and social interactions for kids, which I was surprised by, that that would be a big one, but it's a high stressor from couples telling me that keeping their friends connected to their friends, so house party and Zooms is actually highly labor intensive for them. I think that that dirty dozen is a good place to start because those are the places where people are getting stuck right now where the small details are the biggest problems.

Eve Rodsky:
Communication shifts that I talk about in Fair Play is really, I'd say, start with the dirty dozen, if you can iron out the dirty dozen then everything else is probably just gravy. It'll fall into place.

Lauren Schiller:
I'm Lauren Schiller. This is Inflection Point. When we come back with Eve Rodsky, why ownership of the to do's is more important than divvying things up equally. I'm back with Eve Rodsky. One of the things that you talk about in the book is that it's not necessarily about 50/50. It's about being equitable.

Eve Rodsky:
Correct.

Lauren Schiller:
How would you advise people watching today, listening today how they start that conversation about who does what and how they do it the right way?

Eve Rodsky:
Well, I think 50/50 is a terrible idea. Thank you for bringing that up because how do you even measure that? Right? I mean, that's just a score keeping exercise in futility. I like to say let's like throw out 50/50 and instead focus on ownership, and what I mean by that is when Seth started to understand the idea of CPE, we sat down and we sort of talked about what the full breadth of say extracurricular sports for my two sons meant and so bless his heart, right? Again, this is back to the heterosis gender male.

Eve Rodsky:
He talked to people and told everybody he was in charge of extracurricular sports for my kids, for my two sons, because he showed up at the little league fields. When I explained to him that the conception was serving their friends to see what sports they want to play and what leagues they want to play in and then the planning was ordering their equipment online, returning it to Amazon when it didn't fit, signing up the five waivers that they needed, xeroxing their birth certificate, paying for coaches gift, being snack parents once a week, arranging all of the carpools, every single practice which for my son's basketball team was three days a week and my youngest son's was... for his baseball team was one day a week.

Eve Rodsky:
Once he understood that that was all the planning that went behind getting to the execution, getting them to the field. I got six hours, Lauren of my week back. For me, that could have been fair. Seth just handling the extracurricular sports card where I held the other 89 cards for my family. That could be fair in your family. I'm not here to tell you what your fair looks like, but I know that there is not always equal and equal is not always fair, especially if there is a breadwinner and somebody isn't. But I do know it means that one person should not be doing all the unpaid labor in your home if you're privileged enough to have a partner.

Eve Rodsky:
It could just be one card, but like I said, extracurricular sports, which was one card saved me six hours a week and that for me... in the beginning of Fair Play years ago felt there. Now at we're at a point where Seth is holding probably 38 to 50 cards of our 87 that are in play most of the time and now a lot of our cards, right? Having it all doesn't mean doing it all. A lot of our tasks have been retired because the good news is COVID is a slower lifestyle, but it does mean that those dirty dozen are way grindier. I'm not going to hold laundry forever because now two loads seems to be like 17 loads and I'm not sure why, but that's just the way it is.

Lauren Schiller:
Or like happened to me the other day when the water starts mysteriously leaking out from under the washing machine. Whose job is it to get someone to come in?

Eve Rodsky:
Correct. That's the home maintenance card and I hold that right now but how great is that if you pre negotiated in advance. Part of communication is not communicating. That's what my husband says. The beautiful thing he says about Fair Play is that the CPE allows us to communicate more about things that matter and that we're drowning less in decision fatigue. Because again, who wants to be making the decision of who sets the table when you're already hungry and cranky. That to me is the key.

Eve Rodsky:
The conception, planning, execution, the CPE of a card means that we do not have to communicate because he owns his shit. I own my shit and we redeal if it gets annoying or unfair, but we know the full context of what it takes to complete that task from start to finish and now our sons know that. That's the beauty. We have eight and 11-year-old sons who are playing with us and they're understanding the executive function that goes from curiosity to completion because that's hard. All those steps are not easy. The conception and planning are not easy.

Lauren Schiller:
Well, what's interesting having kids at home now and doing online schooling is that they actually have to become better at the conception, planning, and execution, right? Because their teachers-

Eve Rodsky:
Absolutely.

Lauren Schiller:
...aren't feeding it to them. They don't have a place they have to show up every single day at a certain time. In a way, this is kind of like good training for becoming an adult who's sharing responsibilities, even though the main responsibility is yourself as a kid.

Eve Rodsky:
Absolutely. Well, if you're not ready to bring these concepts of CPE to your partner, then at least bring them to your kids, right? Because the beauty of this is... I'm telling you all, any of you don't have kids yet, or you have them, right? Or if you're even in your own relationships or if you think you may have them. What we're seeing now in terms of successful adults, and you see this in all the books, how you raise an adult, you talk to deans from colleges, is that the kids who know how to do things from start to finish with executive function, with time management and it is also kids who know how to communicate.

Eve Rodsky:
That's really all Fair Play is. It's just a tool, cheaper than a couple of therapists, right? That gets you to think about what does it mean to take care of a dog for a day? I was talking to my father about this with my son, Zach and I talk about this in the book as he was way younger. My father said he was playing Fair Play because he was taking... he was giving [Marsha 00:26:09] the morning off to take the dog to doggy daycare. And I said, dad, that has nothing to do with Fair Play. That's literally the opposite. That's execution on someone else's mental load still.

Eve Rodsky:
You're breaking up a task. I said, what Fair Play would be is owning a full dog day on Wednesdays, when you take her to doggy daycare and that means being responsible for her special vitamins, for feeding her morning and night, for making sure she was walked, asking the daycare whether she pooped there, whether you have to take her out later. My son was able to tell my dad what it meant to take care of her pet from start to finish.

Eve Rodsky:
That is the beauty, right, of executive function. It's the curiosity to completion journey. Instead of those rainbow color coded schedules, you can actually go on to fairplaylife and ask your kids, "What do you think it means to take care of a pet for a day?" What does it actually mean to tidy up? Why is that important to you? That idea of the conception, planning, execution can be really, really helpful. I think in this time, even if your kids still need reminders, at least they will understand what it means to do something from start to finish.

Lauren Schiller:
I just want to say to everyone that I read the book from start to finish and I actually have a physical deck of cards like Eve is showing you. In preparation for interviewing her the last time she and I spoke, I sat down with my husband for about an hour... took about an hour and a half to go through each of the cards and deal them to one another. We had in our hand, a physical card that said I'm in charge of these however many cards it ended up being, and luckily in our family, it did actually ended up being pretty equal because I have a-

Eve Rodsky:
Wow. [crosstalk 00:27:47].

Lauren Schiller:
...heavy lifter of a husband, but it was very validating for both of us to see what the other was doing. It's a great extra... I'm just going to endorse your book.

Eve Rodsky:
Thank you.

Lauren Schiller:
It's a great exercise to formalize things that you may already be talking about with your significant other, but maybe not as explicitly. The other thing in your deck is... there were two things that I actually want to talk about that seems so relevant right now. One of them is a set of cards within the deck that are called wild cards and that's an unexpected thing that life throws at you. The other one is about unicorn space, which is the ability to have the time to pursue your passion.

Lauren Schiller:
In the era of COVID-19, at six weeks it's already an era, but in the era of COVID-19, it's like one big wild card.

Eve Rodsky:
Correct.

Lauren Schiller:
What are some ideas that you have just generally where we've all been thrown through this giant loop? And then secondly, how do we protect the space that we need for our creative passions?

Eve Rodsky:
What does it mean to be in a wildcard? Well, I talk about that in Fair Play for two reasons. One, because say there's a daily disruption, a wildcard where your child is sick from school. Overwhelmingly, regardless of whether the woman worked out of the home in heterosis gender relationships, women were the one in schools were reporting that they call women. That women are the ones picking up their kids from school and I'd asked schools why they do that. And often it was like, I don't want to bother the men. It was a version of the guarding men's time. It was very interesting.

Eve Rodsky:
Also I talk about wildcards because it's a very important to understand, again, as Lauren said, like, this is not rocket science. These cards are just a mediation tool to get you to clearly define expectations in your home, and you have to do that by communicating and so the wildcard of COVID or while there's wildcards in the deck like job loss and money problems or serious illness or a glitch in the matrix is because it's getting you to recognize that when emotion is high, cognition is low. In a wild card emotion is high cognition is low. Most of my day, I know now that my emotion is high and my cognition is low.

Eve Rodsky:
If I communicate when my emotion is high, my cognition is low that means I'm communicating during emotional cascade. I talk about that in Fair Play and that's toxic. I think it's really important to understand the idea of a wild card, because it all is linked to how you communicate and our communication vulnerabilities... I talk about this as a mediator. Our communication vulnerabilities are most likely to come out during a wildcard. Lauren, would you indulge me in a quiz? What is your partner's name?

Lauren Schiller:
Absolutely. Justin.

Eve Rodsky:
Justin. I'm sad I didn't know that. I should know that. Okay. I want to play like a newlywed game with you where... even though you're not newlyweds, most of us aren't. I want you to tell me what Justin would say about you. I'm going to read you the top seven vulnerabilities that I sort of started writing down and noticing over a decade long career mediating complex family issues.

Eve Rodsky:
I'm going to read you seven and I want to know what you think Justin would say about you when emotion is high and cognition is low. Okay. One, long-winded. Why you're talking and no one's listening. Two, sharp command sir. Your tone and drill sergeant delivery isn't popular with the troops. Three, bad timing. You drop your grievances and requests for help into the conversation at inopportune moments. Thanks so much for the flowers, honey, but you forgot dishwashing detergents. Four, toxic word choice. I wasn't going to say anything, but I really hate it when you [inaudible 00:31:31]. Five, all or nothing. You never replace the toilet paper roll. You always leave the seat up. Six, dredging up the past. This is just like the last time you forgot to [inaudible 00:31:41] or seven, boiling over. I wasn't going to say anything. I avoided the conversation. I didn't say anything, but now I'm really pissed.

Eve Rodsky:
If anybody on the chat wants to tell me too, we can customize the rest of our tips based on what they say, but I'd love Lauren to tell me. What do you think Justin would say about you?

Lauren Schiller:
Of the-

Eve Rodsky:
Of the seven.

Lauren Schiller:
Of the seven.

Eve Rodsky:
Shall I read them again?

Lauren Schiller:
Which one-

Eve Rodsky:
One, long-winded. Two, sharp command and tone. Three, bad timing. Four, toxic word choice. Five, all or nothing. Six, dredging up the past or seven, boiling over. What would he say is your vulnerability when emotion gets high and cognition as well?

Lauren Schiller:
Okay. This is actually very hard for me to answer because he and I have been together for so long that I would say I've hit every single one of those.

Eve Rodsky:
I love that. I love it. Well, thank you for being vulnerable and recognizing that you're already communicating.

Lauren Schiller:
Oh yeah.

Eve Rodsky:
Give me one now... Okay. In this wild card, which one do you think that you would have an example of maybe that you could share-

Lauren Schiller:
Yeah, I mean, of course. Over 20 however many years we've been together. Of course there are examples that I can dredge up from the past. That one time that I asked you to do this thing and you brought me this... Like, okay, here's a perfect example. I hate chicken apple sausage, okay. For the record, and we got into this knockdown drag out fight because we went to the baseball game, back when we had baseball games and we were tailgating with friends and the only protein he brought was chicken apple sausage. I sucked it up. I ate it, sat through the whole game and in the car ride home with the poor kids in the back, was just like... I blew my top. You know I hate chicken apple sauce. Now that's-

Eve Rodsky:
That's okay. I love that. I'm writing that down. I want to use that.

Lauren Schiller:
And now it's become the family joke. Like he does not buy me chicken apple sausage anymore.

Eve Rodsky:
Well, that's a bowling offer. It's great. Because... and bad timing. I'm going to say that's bad timing too.

Lauren Schiller:
Acknowledged.

Eve Rodsky:
I mean, your kids make fun of it now, but yes, and what's so beautiful about that is I think it gets to some... what [Sonya 00:33:45] just said actually and [Jacqueline 00:33:46] too, is that all of these are sort of related to this idea that feedback in the moment, whether it was in the moment with your kids or you couldn't hold it in anymore, right? This feedback in the moment or communicating when emotion is high and cognition is low, it can be toxic and so I think that's what I'd love for everybody on your listenership to take away is that it sounds scary and complicated and to enter a system and to talk about cards because we are all believing that we're not communicating.

Eve Rodsky:
It sounds complicated if you say to me, I don't communicate about domestic life, and so many men and women on my Fair Play journey said that Lauren. We don't communicate about domestic life. Okay. One woman says that to me and then I find out, no... then she talks 20 minutes later, not related to the communication question I asked her and she says, yeah, well, my husband, when he forgot the clothes and didn't put them in the dryer, I dumped them on his pillow. Another woman said to me, we don't talk about domestic life and then I find out she has an Instagram account called the shit my husband doesn't pick up, and she's publicly shaming him on Instagram.

Eve Rodsky:
Recently in COVID, I reached out to a woman who told me she doesn't communicate about domestic life, but I actually reached out to her, Lauren because she posted to 27,000 members in a, I hate my husband COVID group, that if her husband died during COVID it wasn't going to be from the disease. It was going to be from her. She publicly threatened to murder her spouse in a 27,000 member forum but she says she doesn't communicate about domestic life. I think the first step is to recognize we're already communicating. As a mediator I'll go on your Nest Cam and I... you've been with Justin for many years. I'll see five ways you've communicated about domestic life, whether it's about chicken apple sausage, or who's folding the laundry that's sitting on your bed.

Eve Rodsky:
What I want to say is that when you recognize, and you can say with some humor and levity, I'd like to do this communication quiz, or I know I use bad tone, and so I wanted to say to you, I'd love to find a time to communicate when emotion is low, cognition is high because it's a wild card that's not often. For [Steph 00:36:04] and me now it's 10 minutes a night after our kids go to bed with either wine or cookie dough. We set a timer because he says I'm long-winded. We set a timer, 10 minutes and we check in.

Eve Rodsky:
Sometimes it's things that have to have happened the next day and they're serious. Sometimes it's just connecting. But recently Steph said to me that he was upset, but he didn't boil over because he had a time. He had a time to communicate with me our practice of communicating. Every night, Fair Play is a practice just like meditation and exercise. You have to invest in your relationships like you're investing in toilet paper. We sit down 10 minutes a night, and he said to me, I'm feeling upset about your minimum standard of care, which is a word from Fair Play about how you're homeschooling our kids.

Eve Rodsky:
When I have the hours that are allocated to me, my phone is on the charger. When I see your hours with the kids, I see you like this. Pointing at them on Zoom.

Lauren Schiller:
With your phone to your-

Eve Rodsky:
With my phone to my ear.

Lauren Schiller:
...ear.

Eve Rodsky:
And so what he said to me was, I'm hoping that your minimum standard of care could be a little higher and that you can block out the times that you are responsible for our kids' learning because that's our minimum standard of care that we're going to be present for them and if you can't do that, then you need to let me know because then... I don't want to do it either. I want to be able to be on my phone. I said, "No, no, no, I'll do it. I'll do it." But that's how we talk about things now in a way that's way better than again, sobbing on the side of the road over off season blueberries.

Lauren Schiller:
Well, you've created a vocabulary and you have a framework and that takes so much of the emotion-

Eve Rodsky:
Out of the way.

Lauren Schiller:
...out of the conversation, right? It's like, you can be rational. Well, let's before... I have two more questions before we go to questions and one of them is just to circle back to this idea of unicorn status.

Eve Rodsky:
Yes.

Lauren Schiller:
Can you speak to that?

Eve Rodsky:
That's why I brought up communication first because we have to ask for what we need. People who are listening with their partners, what I will say to you is I found the midlife crisis even if you're not midlife yet, and that's not breast implants or green Ferrari's. What it is was that the things people told me that made them happiest were the things that their partners resented most about them.

Eve Rodsky:
I'll say that again, the things that people reported to me made them happiness were the things their partners resented most about them. That to me is the real midlife crisis, and that happens because of perceived unfairness. It would be a man saying to me, "My happiness is my triathlon training." And then his partner is saying, "I fucking hate him because he escapes six hours on the weekends and he leaves me to take care of the kids." What I want to say to everybody here is that the permission to be unavailable, to create those boundaries for yourself, by doing something, an active pursuit that makes you, you is actually indicative of how healthy your relationships are and how long you'll stay together.

Eve Rodsky:
If you feel you are resigned to going to Costco together for all day long and not picking up the diapers and all getting the buffalo wings or whatever, or sitting with each other in the park and just being angry and miserable that you're all there because you need family time, Fair Play is the opposite of that. It says own your tasks. Spend less time together as a family unit and actually spend more time on yourself. Especially now we need that, and often because we know the statistic that men take twice as much leisure time as women, and especially we guard men's time. That's back to that time message. It's really important to negotiate that.

Eve Rodsky:
I say, no scorekeeping, no 50/50 unless you're talking about unicorn space, the active pursuit of what makes you, you and that can be crocheting Harry Potter dolls which one woman sent to me and showed me her unicorn space. We're signing up for the volunteer firefighters as another woman did that I interviewed for Fair Play, or it could be training for that triathlon as long as your partner gets that time back for them. Seth and I had unicorn space hours where Saturdays I get nine to 12 and then he gets from 12 to three.

Eve Rodsky:
Sometimes there's self-care built in, but really we try to use it. Professor Laurie Santos who teaches the most popular happiness course at Yale talks about that... she calls it differently. She says, make your leisure time nutritious. That's all unicorn space is. It's not sitting there scrolling four hours on Instagram. It's the active pursuit of what makes you, you. For Lauren, I'm going to assume part of it is your podcast because you have a beautiful way of bringing out ideas in other people and so I would say like identifying you that part of your unicorn space has to be your podcast, because it's a really beautiful skill that only uniquely you can do, but for others, it can be... like I said, it could be crocheting Harry Potter dolls. It could be baking pies, but it's about getting that freedom to be in that permission to be unavailable from yourself without any guilt and shame.

Lauren Schiller:
I think that's so important for us to reinforce for ourselves right now.

Eve Rodsky:
Yes, and we don't give it to ourselves and especially because we think the space time continuum is collapsing on us and I get it because find your passion and purpose things sound like bullshit but in the context of rebalance and efficiency, I promise you, you can get that time back, even if it's five or 10 minutes a day, but sitting there journaling, writing a poem, it doesn't necessarily have to be creative. I'm not creative. I'm a left brain organizational management consultant. I'm a lawyer, but to me it was a curiosity about the gender division of labor. That's what I carved my time out for.

Eve Rodsky:
Whatever it is that makes you, you I'd say don't make it like the mythical equine that doesn't fucking exist. Create that time, reclaim your time by first communicating when emotion is low and cognition is high and I will say one thing that made me sad. One woman said to me, the only time she got unicorn space back was during her divorce because now her kids are half time with her husband and she said it was easier for her to ask for a divorce than it was to negotiate these issues on a daily basis. That makes me sad. Get it right the first time, try at least to invest in communication before you go to the step of divorce and you explode your whole relationship.

Lauren Schiller:
How do you see this translating societaly. I mean, there's the whole leading by example but then in these op-eds that are coming out, within these 70 articles or so, there's been a lot of demands. There needs to be more... there needs to be paid family leave, there needs to be onsite childcare. There needs to be flexible work hours, things of this nature that could potentially start to tip the system in a way that is not still putting the burden on women but on the other hand, it could still just be about reinforcing the norms that we already have. What do you see-

Eve Rodsky:
Correct.

Lauren Schiller:
...as being the right next step from a societal perspective?

Eve Rodsky:
Well, I get scared that we're going to reinforce the norms because as women do more of the homeschooling or the unpaid labor and the dirty dozen, and then the workplace can say, see, I told you, women are not committed to the workforce. Then we get into this terrible cycle of why women are paid less than men in the first place, which is called the motherhood penalty, which applies to women, even if you're not mothers. Yes, I say that societaly, it starts with empathy. It starts with heterosis gender men who are managers of other men saying and modeling.

Eve Rodsky:
What I say to men is if you're on this call, the most important thing you can do, especially after COVID... well actually during COVID is... fold laundry on your Zoom. Before COVID in Davos, I asked all these male world leaders to make sure that when they get home, they call their school and that they are the number one person that is called when a child is sick. The more we see men modeling and picking up the phone during work meetings to show that their work and life are integrated, the better we'll do.

Eve Rodsky:
One Google engineer said to me he's a Fair Player, that before Fair Play right, the life part of his work life equation was invisible. He was ignoring it and then he started to think about if he coded and he forgot an important variable, he said the system would crash and so he feels like the system has crashed if we ignore the life. I guess the good news is that the silver lining of this is we kidding no life anymore. We're all that BBC guy with a toddler coming in on us, and so the more we can model behaviors to show that we integrate our life, especially white men, the better.

Eve Rodsky:
On top of that, yes, of course. I talk about Fair Play, which is what we just said, the modeling that behavior, but also fair day and fair pay. If we really truly believe women's time is valued equally to male's time, if all time is diamonds and women's time is not sand, then we'll pay women the same for the same jobs and then fair day is continuing the flexibility that we are getting now and affording that flexibility and saying that employers, you have to make those changes. You have to allow for life. It doesn't mean anybody's less productive. It just means that they're happier.

Lauren Schiller:
All right, we do. Thank you. We have a question here from Jacqueline. She says I'm good at conceptualizing and planning, but execution, not so much. I'm guessing that makes me a bit of the boss in the relationship. I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but could it work if I just do the first two steps of the categories?

Eve Rodsky:
No, no.

Lauren Schiller:
Sorry, Jacqueline.

Eve Rodsky:
No, because then the person you're with is getting RAT fucked. The men that you're with or women that you're with are getting the random assignment of a task. I distill... it finally took me years to distill nagging. What were men especially saying, that they hate nagging? What does that mean? It's such a gendered word. What the hell are you talking about? I hate that word because I think it's gendered. Instead I say, the random assignment of a task, and that is really what matters and I think Sonya has a really important question. Why, especially white men, not all men, because actually I did find that men of color, again, this is 500 men in interviews, but why white men especially were the ones who were most resistant to these ideas and again, it's sort of who knows. I didn't go into the patriarchal reasons why or the political reasons why, but it took me the longest to get white men to agree with the statement. So this is where it comes from to get a little nitty gritty for Sonya.

Eve Rodsky:
I asked a question of men, again, across socioeconomic status and ethnicity. Do you believe an hour holding your child's hand at the pediatrician's office is as valuable as an hour in the boardroom or on the assembly line or in the workplace? White men had the hardest time answering that question? Yes.

Lauren Schiller:
We have a question here from [Tamar 00:46:59]. She says, I think you mentioned that there were changes that employers should make to support Fair Play concepts. Any examples of what can be done. It seems that new mothers are particularly vulnerable for feeling isolated and kicked out of the workforce.

Eve Rodsky:
Absolutely. What I would say to that Tamar, it's this understanding, and I went to Davos to talk about this, but this is... yes, this is a huge crisis because we know that in the professional world, 43% of women take a career detour after kids. It is a huge crisis. I've been screaming this crisis for eight years. I think now finally we're getting a little bit of traction. It's the only way to changes is... and I had a post it, right? We have to invite men in to this conversation because if we just talk about it as women for the next hundred years, nothing will change.

Eve Rodsky:
I know for men, the beauty about men, I'll give you a quick example about... I had a man who is a Fair Player. He's also a fellow philanthropic advisor. We work with a mutual client. He went to his client's funeral. That's a little confusing, but one of his other client's funerals and what he said to me, and this is an executive in Seattle, a mogul, somebody who's made hundreds of millions of dollars that he was at this funeral before COVID obviously, and they start and he said, "Nobody talked about the money he made in his life." What happened was each... he had three daughters.

Eve Rodsky:
They each got up to the podium and they just start reciting a poem that he said sounded like a shell service team poem. It was confusing. All three daughters recited the poem and didn't say what it was until at the end, when the last daughter said, those were three of the poems our father wrote to us as a tooth fairy, and it still makes me cry even though I... I was told the story a while ago, because at the end of the day what this man who was identifying to me, now that he's sort of in the system is that that's how I want to be remembered.

Eve Rodsky:
Part of the long answer is that it requires that empathy for us all to have a cultural shift, to know that an hour holding our child's hand is as valuable as an hour in the board room, and that requires us all being cultural warriors. Just by showing up on this call, by listening to this podcast, you are a cultural warrior in this movement to recognize that all time is created equal and the value of care, and when we start from there, I mean, we can't go back if it becomes a movement.

Lauren Schiller:
That was Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live). Eve also has a podcast you should check out called In All Fairness. Definitely listen to my conversation from last year with Eve at INFORUM, where she lays out the fair place system in more detail and how to put it to work for yourself. I'll put a link to that conversation and the Fair Play website on my website at inflectionpointradio.org. I'm Lauren Schiller and reporting to you from my new headquarters at home, this is Inflection Point and this is how women rise up.

Lauren Schiller:
That's our inflection point for today. All of our episodes are on Apple Podcasts, RadioPublic, Stitcher, Pandora, NPR One, all the places. Give us a five star review and subscribe to the podcast. Know a woman leading change we should talk to? Let us know at inflectionpointradio.org. While you're there support our production with a tax deductible monthly or one-time contribution. When women rise up, we all rise up. Just go to inflection point radio.org.

Lauren Schiller:
We're on Facebook and Instagram @inflectionpointradio. Follow us and join the Inflection Point society, our Facebook group of everyday activists who seek to make extraordinary change through small daily actions, and follow me on Twitter @laschiller to find out more about today's guest and to be in the loop with our email newsletter, you know where to go, inflectionpointradio.org. Inflection Point is produced in partnership with KALW 91.7 FM in San Francisco and PRX. Our community manager is Alaura Weaver. Our engineer and producer is Eric Wayne. I'm your host Lauren Schiller. Support for this podcast comes from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

Speaker 3:
From PRX.

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Gail Collins and the Adventures of Older Women in American History

LISTEN ON: APPLE PODCASTS | STITCHER | PANDORA | SPOTIFY | NPR ONE | MORE

Jane Fonda. Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Nancy Pelosi. Elizabeth Warren. Maxine Waters. Are "older" women taking over? By 2034 there will be more people 65 and older than there are people under 18. And by and large, women are outliving men. So what might all these older women mean in terms of a possible power shift, historically speaking? Listen to my conversation with Gail Collins, New York Times columnist and the author of the new book, “No Stopping Us Now. The Adventures of Older Women in American History” We explore how attitudes toward older women have shifted in America over the centuries – from the Plymouth Colony view that women were marriageable if "civil and under fifty years of age," to quiet dismissal of post-reproductive females, to women’s role as perpetual caretaker (even when she might need caretaking herself), to the first female nominee for president.

Lauren spoke with Gail on stage for the Jewish Community Center of San Francisco in October of 2019.

TRANSCRIPT: We do our best, please let us know any errors!

Gail Collins:                          My first book about women, was about women in American history. And we could not think of a title for it. Finally we called it America's Women, but that was so pathetic. The subtitle was 400 Years of Dolls, Drudges, Helpmates, and Heroines, which is a desperate attempt to make America's Women sound like a better title. And while I was doing that one, when I just came across a bunch of stuff that I wanted to go back and look at again. And one that sometime at some point along the way I came across was this letter from one of the very early colonists when they were first here, they were all guys. And so they're writing back to England saying, please send us some women. Please, please, please. And they wrote down their description of an ideal wife, who was a woman who was civil and under 50 years of age.

Gail Collins:                          So I thought, wow. And then I was wondering through some other point, I guess when I was doing, When Everything Changed and I ran across that famous hair coloring is from the early, the early seventies that said, you're not getting older, you're getting better. And I looked at it and the copy within that said, these days any woman over 25 is old. And I thought, holy moly. Wow. And you look right now and there's Ruth Bader Ginsburg at the gym and then running the Supreme Court, and everybody's applauding. I thought, wow, what makes all this stuff go up and down like this? And it seemed like a fun thing to look into.

Lauren Schiller:                  I'm Lauren Schiller, and that is Gail Collins, New York times columnist and author of a new book called No Stopping Us Now: The Adventures of Older Women in American History. We spoke on stage for the Jewish Community Center of San Francisco, in October of 2019. By 2034 there will be more people 65 and older than there are people under 18, and by and large, women are outliving men. So what might all these older women mean in terms of a possible power shift, historically speaking? Well, look at Jane Fonda. Look at Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Look at Nancy Pelosi. My goodness, these women over 25, they're everywhere. And they're all in the book. This is Inflection Point. I'm Lauren Schiller with stories of how women rise up.

Lauren Schiller:                  Gail's book covers American women from the 1600s to today, which is a lot of history to cover. So I started our conversation with a challenge. I asked Gail to give us the 60 second recap from the 1600s to today.

Gail Collins:                          May take two minutes, however.

Lauren Schiller:                  Okay, you get two minutes.

Gail Collins:                          There were two things. One was scarcity, as we've just seen. If you were the only women coming into some town in the wild west, really you could be 95 and they would be throwing themselves at you, and make no difference whatsoever. But the other thing that seemed to me such a big pattern, once I looked at it, was whether they had an economic role. Women who have an economic role are judged the way men are judged, and women who are seen as only mothers are pretty much out to pasture once their children are grown. And that was the great, great cosmic difference that I saw. And it came and went and came and went. And I won't tell you any more right now, because that's my two minutes, but we'll get back to it.

Lauren Schiller:                  No, you've got more time. Keep going. You talk about that with World War II, how everything really shifted.

Gail Collins:                          It shifted. You start look... Two seconds to the colonies. In the colonies wives were all farm wives, and they're growing vegetables, making candles, making... One woman, I just wove 33,000 balls of yarn this year. Just went on and on, the stuff that they could do, creating wealth. And everybody knew that the housewife was creating all this wealth, and young women wanted to come and hang out with them so they could learn how to do it. So at that period, it was a great period for being an older woman, then when everybody moved to the cities. And middle-class women had a much shrunken role that had nothing to do with economics. That was suddenly when, if your kids are gone, why are you still here? But it was very cruel and mean.

Gail Collins:                          And then as you go back and forth in history, whenever there's an economic call for older women, then they become very popular. And during World War II was the absolute perfect example. You had all the guys are gone and young women with children really resisted the idea of going to work. So there was everybody, a clarion call, and every all eyes turned older women. Here they are, Oh my God. And you suddenly, not just had Rosie the Riveter stories, but you had these stories about Josephine the 80 year old riveter. My God, is she great. And I remember reading one in a magazine at the time that was going around during the war saying, we were so touched today, we went to a restaurant and saw a 65 year old woman carrying a tray of dishes with a gleam of happiness in her blue eyes. I'm not sure about the glass, but that was the moment when women, older women, nobody complained about them at all. They were the heroines because they were doing all the work.

Lauren Schiller:                  This is Inflection Point. I'm Lauren Schiller, with stories of how women rise up. I'll be right back with Gail Collins, who shares how economy shapes what men look for in a woman.

Lauren Schiller:                  Well, you tell a story in the book is about some guys you're interviewing in Connecticut about what they were looking for in a woman.

Gail Collins:                          Yeah. This was the humongous discovery that I made, somewhere along the way. My greatest thought was about the economic participation of women, and during... After World War II, the economy exploded, and everybody thought they could become middle-class. Everybody's going to the suburbs, they're getting their own houses, their kids are going to go to college, we're going to go on vacations. It was a humongous explosion of expectation for family life. And then the '70s came and all that... The oil... You remember a lot of you, I'm sure the oil boycott, the awful, awful economy of the '70s, and suddenly many, many, many families could no longer support the life they thought they needed to live with one income.

Gail Collins:                          And that was really the absolute change, because suddenly all the women who had been consigned to the role of mom and nothing else, were drawn back into the workforce. And younger women started thinking about what their role would be. And my favorite story about that period is it was actually later, in the late seventies or the '80s, but I was at a college in New Britain, Connecticut. And for some reason I'm talking to an entire room full of guys, and I do not know how exactly I got there, I was doing a woman's book tour, but they were lovely guys. And I said to them, what do you look for in a wife? And nobody was going to say to me, a really hot woman who I... So they all said, a really good personality.

Gail Collins:                          And I said, oh, that's nice. And then one kid in the back said, and a good earner. And they all said yes, oh my God, yes, and a good earner. Got to be a good earner. And I thought then, wow, this is a whole new vision. Guys really need their wives to be good earners, and women are being integrated into the economy in the same way. And they're going to get old in a totally different way.

Lauren Schiller:                  What's so interesting to me about that is that, why does the gender wage gap still exist?

Gail Collins:                          Very, very, very good question. It goes on forever too. One of the great things, after the invention of the birth control pill, suddenly the number of women in graduate school, law school, medical school skyrocketed because you could suddenly control and make sure you were not going to be getting pregnant and having a baby while you were doing your preparation for your career. Stupendous numbers. Now there are more women in law school and medical school than there are men. And the income and average of doctors and lawyers has dropped. What does this mean? It's a pattern that goes on and on and on and on and on. I believe we will overcome it at some point.

Gail Collins:                          Another problem is that women often like to go into the helping professions, which instantly, when you hear the word helping, you know they're not going to be making very much money. It's just... And because of that, they want to teach, they want to go and do work. They want to help out in different ways. And those are their income from those professions are not as high, and good for them. So a little bit of booth going on there.

Lauren Schiller:                  And then, right. And then when there is a male profession professionally teaching that women started to take over, it just, it happens over and over again. I just think it's bizarre that they want good earners, but they only want them to make, I don't know, 72 cents for every dollar they make.

Gail Collins:                          Not the husbands. I do not know anybody who believes more in equality of pay opportunity than the husbands of working wives. They are really for it, 100% yeah.

Lauren Schiller:                  Yeah. So, older women do better when they can generate more money. That's one of the things that you told us. And women's power seems to fluctuate depending on what's happening with the economy overall, how much we're needed, but also who's got political power. Are those the two main drivers of where a women do or do not have power, is who's who is in charge politically, and how much are they needed economically?

Gail Collins:                          And the political part is very interesting, because you can't quite figure out where it goes with women. Women got the vote in 1920, and they had a vision of a new society that would be created with the women's vote, in which there'd be clinics for poor women and their children, there'd be all of these things happening to make society better, kinder, more woman-like in orientation. And none of it happened at all. Women voted like their husbands. Warren Harding was elected president instantly, and we got prohibition. That was about it. And so, voting by itself is not nearly enough to make a difference. You have to be an aggressive voter, which we're seeing more and more among women, that the women are inclined to vote differently from their husbands, their fathers, their brothers, everybody else. Much more than they were, say 10, 20, 30 years ago. And that's a real lever of power, and we'll see where that takes everybody.

Lauren Schiller:                  So can we talk about prohibition, since you brought that up?

Gail Collins:                          Nobody has said, can you talk about prohibition for a long time? I really love this. Thank you.

Lauren Schiller:                  Who here wants to talk about prohibition? Show of hands? Okay, we got one. We got one person who, okay, so we're going to talk about for you. But you talk in the book about how prohibition, while it was pushed by older women, was actually really bad for all the women, because of what it meant is that their husbands were not going to these elicit nightclubs and hanging out with the flappers, who are generally in their 20s. I had a bad backlash.

Gail Collins:                          The whole liquor thing was very weird, because it really did separate men from women. Before prohibition, one of the reasons women were so antagonistic to it, well one was that, truly, important neighborhoods, the saloons desperately tried to drag men in on pay day and take away all their money. So it was a legitimate, legitimate crusade. But beyond that, middle-class women didn't drink. And after dinner, and sometimes on weekends and whatever, their husbands and the men would go away places and drink and leave them behind. And it was a real division between the sexes, and women resented it and thought it was bad. And so, that propelled the way to, right along the way.

Gail Collins:                          And then there we were, and nobody liked it once it came. It really did not work out well at all. And it's true that then men off... Women, middle aged women, housewives, mothers, are not going to be going off to the speakeasy used to be hanging out and drinking. So if the men go, they are going to be meeting a whole new group of young women who are hanging out there. And women got very paranoid, housewives at the time. What the hell is going on? Where are these men going? And even if they weren't going anywhere, they were still looking at their husbands, is this going to happen? What's happening here? So it didn't work out nearly the way people thought it would.

Lauren Schiller:                  Well, there were, eventually, some good things that came out of women getting the vote, and women actually getting political power.

Gail Collins:                          I do not want to say this was not a good thing to do, by the way. But yeah, go ahead.

Lauren Schiller:                  That it was not a good thing to do-

Gail Collins:                          To give women the vote. No, it was really, really, really good idea.

Lauren Schiller:                  It was just a slow cook, right?

Gail Collins:                          It wasn't nearly the revolutionary moment that women thought it was going to be.

Lauren Schiller:                  But eventually, out of having women in power, we got social security, we got better labor laws.

Gail Collins:                          The New Deal. Eleanor Roosevelt. Oh my God.

Lauren Schiller:                  Yeah. Let's talk about Eleanor Roosevelt.

Gail Collins:                          Eleanor Roosevelt I think had the greatest middle age of any woman in American history, by far. God help us, she's all over the place. She is visiting places that nobody else at the top of government has ever gone to, ever. To see poor black families, to see Appalachian families. She's going to see the troops overseas. She's driving around by herself. It was driving the Secret Service, so crazy that they taught her how to use a revolver. So there she's in her car with her revolver for going to see people in Appalachian. I just, Oh my God, what a woman. And because of her influence, and because of people who are hanging out with her and because of people who had begun to move into positions of power locally anyway, you got the New Deal women, like Francis Perkins, who was the person you most remember as being responsible for social security. So no badness at all in that development, I would say.

Lauren Schiller:                  I'd love to talk about the parallels in that moment in time, to the moment in time that we're experiencing now.

Gail Collins:                          Wow, okay.

Lauren Schiller:                  Well, just in terms of-

Gail Collins:                          There's Franklin Roosevelt.

Lauren Schiller:                  Okay. Not those guys. The women. We have a historic number of women in Congress now, and they're in positions to make a lot of change. And I think we all tend to get frustrated. Clearly we've got an issue in the White House that is preventing a lot of things from happening, but that we get frustrated with the pace of change. That why does it take so... Now we've got all these women, so how can we see more things happen more quickly, around education and health care and the so called more feminine interests.

Gail Collins:                          You really wonder if we had a different president, what this last election would have brought forward. But things are so crazy now that, just the ability to get up in the morning is about everything they can accomplish. And I find Nancy Pelosi very interesting. People complain constantly. Why isn't she doing more? Why isn't she doing more? But she is handling this thing that's happening now. I can't imagine anybody else doing, any guy up there that I've watched doing it, cannot conceive of them doing it anywhere better. You see the committee chairman, the guys, it's just not, they were not going to do any better than Nancy Pelosi. She's really controlled this thing, handled Donald Trump as well as a human being possibly could. And I like to think that's part of the future.

Gail Collins:                          And once we get past this time, will be very interesting to see what these very large number of women moving into Congress, although still a minority, and hardly any women governors, there's still a long, long way to go. Still, see what happens next. It's going to be great.

Lauren Schiller:                  Yeah, and they are, we were talking about this earlier, they are, the majority of women, are Democrats. There's very few female, Republicans.

Gail Collins:                          Very few. It's amazing how they could even manage to avoid having more women. It's just incredible. Gosh, darn.

Lauren Schiller:                  Imagine what could get done though if there were more women, Republican politicians?

Gail Collins:                          They do work until this recent unpleasantness of the last couple of years, the women in Congress worked together very well. They had their regular things they would do, they would do softball games together. They would go out to dinner together. They had their own special place where they would hang out, and they were capable of behaving in a much more bipartisan manner than the guys were. And if things had, I think the place where they did, I'd probably still, if they still get to do it, the place that they hung out was the Strom Thurmond Room. Which I just find so... The idea that Strom Thurmond gave his name to this, tickles me so. But once this passes, we'll see what happens. It's going to be a whole new thing for sure.

Lauren Schiller:                  I like the affirmative way that you just said, once this passes. All things must pass. Well actually, let's talk about you for a minute. You're a woman with power. You write this... You look at you, you're sitting on this stage in front of all these people.

Gail Collins:                          Thank you.

Lauren Schiller:                  I feel the glow of you right here. And you write your column every week for the New York Times, and you have the opportunity to sway a lot of public opinion. And do you, this is such a weird question to ask, but do you think in those terms, if I write this, and this happens? I have this power and how must I use it?

Gail Collins:                          Not exactly. My thing has been, I've been a columnist for a really long time, before the Times I was at the New York News Day and then the Daily News before that, and somewhere along the line in the Daily News period, I was writing a local column is about local government. And at that point, New York local government was so bad. Oh my God, it was terrible. And I'd write these columns every couple of days saying, oh my God, look what they did now. Oh my Lord, it's getting worse and worse and worse. And I would go on and on like that, trying to rile up indignation and fury.

Gail Collins:                          But after a while, I was thinking, oh my God, basically I'm causing people to get up and want to throw themselves out the window. There's got to be a different way to do this, where I can tell people what's happening, without depressing them mortally. So at that point, I tried to make the columns more fun to read. So that my goal has been, for a long time now, to just get people to know about stuff in a way that doesn't make them suicidal.

Lauren Schiller:                  It seems... So far so good. I chuckle every time I read one of your columns, even though what you're conveying is just so horrible underneath.

Gail Collins:                          We're getting the votes in now, we have a contest now named the worst cabinet member. Many, many votes are coming in, I've got to tell you.

Lauren Schiller:                  Well, let's talk about what it means to be old. This is a question that's in question, right? This, a certain age-

Gail Collins:                          And not argue about your age, now. Lie about it, now that we have Wikipedia. You're just stuck. Whatever age you are, you really are for sure.

Lauren Schiller:                  I feel like there's no good answer to the question, how old are you? Or you look younger than I thought you were, or you look older than I thought you were. That used to be a compliment, but now not so much.

Gail Collins:                          No, I'm 73 by the way. The story of it.

Lauren Schiller:                  Well, okay, so one of the things that you... That I found in the book is that in the 1950s only about 3% of the population was over 65.

Gail Collins:                          Very tiny bit. And then the amount has just, I trust your numbers because I've completely gone blank on them.

Lauren Schiller:                  I got them from somewhere.

Gail Collins:                          But it was tiny. And it's exploded. And one of the reasons I think it's so important to talk about women maintaining careers, and men too, in their later years, is because there's going to be so many of us very soon. This world is not going to be able to support us, unless we do more earning on the side to try to keep things going a bit because it's just... And the number of people over 90 is skyrocketing. Most of them are women. And it's going to get more and more and more so because thank you, the medical profession.

Gail Collins:                          Which by way, doing history, I have to say, teeth. I think back about history, oh my God, there were no teeth. Nobody had any teeth. They found the body of a woman at Jamestown just a few years ago when they were digging around, and she was about 30 years old, and she had five teeth. That was all. So when I think about history, I do wonder off, and I'm sorry, I just changed the subject completely. Every once in a while I think, my God, teeth. Oh my Lord in heaven. This is so amazing. We've all got our teeth.

Lauren Schiller:                  Well there's been a lot of medical advancements since-

Gail Collins:                          Even more profound than that, but I just-

Lauren Schiller:                  We'll get to plastic surgery, and all the other stuff in a few minutes. Hair dye. I know that's not a medical procedure, but. So is retirement passe now? Is that not a thing anymore? If people... If 65 was the retirement age-

Gail Collins:                          Well many people do retire at 65. And to be fair, many, many people look forward to retiring at 65. It's not like the entire world is out there saying, let me stay in this job for another 10 years, this is what I really want to do. But the vision that when you stop doing, if you stop doing what you were doing when you turn 65 or whenever, that you're then going to go home and sit around is, I think, really passe. There were just so many things people are doing now. There's so many people who are working as volunteers. There's so many people doing community service. There's so many people who are just going out and doing things they always wanted to do, take a boat around the world or whatever, that they couldn't do otherwise. But that's the vision. The thing is that you don't have that sense of, okay, we're done now, we're going to go home and it's all over.

Lauren Schiller:                  Yeah, because you get to be sticking around for another 30, 40 years.

Gail Collins:                          Damn straight.

Lauren Schiller:                  We've got to come up with a good routine. It's also in this time, it seems like a great opportunity to get involved in, say, some activism. Right? And thinking about women throughout history who have been involved in activism, and bridging that gap between the younger activists and the older activists, how those two worldviews might come together or push apart. And that's something that you talk about.

Gail Collins:                          Can I tell my Elizabeth Cady Stanton story?

Lauren Schiller:                  Yes.

Gail Collins:                          This is one of my favorite stories. This is before the civil war, and women in the North were the ones who were very, very conscious of the evils of slavery, I think, more than the men were there. They were very into the idea that it was a woman's issue, because you're talking about families being broken up, and young girls being at the mercy of slave owners, and became a very passionate issue. But you couldn't go out and talk about it in public, because the idea of women speaking out in public was just not accepted. They would throw stones at you, they would burn down your auditorium, they would call... They thought that you were all promiscuous if you were to speak out in public, you were a harlot. That was the thought that was going around, and so nobody did it. You really did not have any women getting out. Even African American women who wanted to speak out against slavery were really discouraged by their communities in many parts of the North.

Gail Collins:                          So Elizabeth Cady Stanton is right there in this point and she's dying to go out and talk about this stuff. So she suddenly announces, well, I'm going to come out, because I am a grandmother, gray hair, looking dumpy, wearing frumpy clothes here. I am a grandmother. I'm going to come and talk to you about grandmother things, our boys and our home. And I'll throw in a little bit about slavery, maybe, and a little bit about women's rights. And I've got ideas about divorce for forum that I made. And she got away with it. And she went around the country giving speeches all the time, sleeping over night in railroad stations when she couldn't get a train. Playing cards with soldiers on her way from one town to the other. She got away with it all because she presented herself as a grandmother, and her friends saw this going on and suddenly they started writing odes to menopause. Oh happy day we get to go out. This is all great. And it was a great liberation, and it was liberation through gray hair, basically.

Lauren Schiller:                  So the menopause thing comes up a lot, for obvious reasons, but that it either is going to make you sex crazy, or sex neutral or completely be the beginning of the end. Can you talk about some of the things that you learned about the change?

Gail Collins:                          Doctors didn't discover a menopause until the 1800s. Did not occur, and they didn't care. When they did discover it, they instantly decided that it was terrible and it led to your death, or insanity or something. It was just, it was never a popular. And when doctors did start to think about it, they started to think about ways to avoid it. They started with chimpanzee glands, allegedly at least, injecting women with a chimpanzee glands to save them from menopause and keep going. And of course that didn't work, but you did, as time went on, get to what led to a hormone replacement therapy, which for 20 years, it was the absolute thing that was going on in this country. Tons and tons and tons of women were doing it. And that was all about eliminating the evils of menopause.

Gail Collins:                          And it took all that time, really until they realized that hormone replacement therapy was bad for you, and you can't do it anymore for a long periods of time, before people were really willing to sit down and talk about, well, hey, this is a normal part of life. You can just do that and move on, and everything is fine. It was a bad moment for the medical profession that went on for a long period of time. But I think it's pretty well over now. It's been a long time since I've heard anybody say, oh my God, I'm going through menopause, my life is over. It's been forever.

Lauren Schiller:                  I just hear, oh my God, I'm going through menopause, I'm sweating all the time.

Gail Collins:                          That one does still come up, I've got to say. That's true.

Lauren Schiller:                  Well, okay, so on that topic, the amount of work,

Gail Collins:                          I'm sorry, guys, whoever's out here, it's just-

Lauren Schiller:                  Hey, you know what? It's just, it's part of the package. There's also, I love all the stories about hair dye, and the reactions to women who dyed their hair, that the horrible dye that was actually available when it first came out. And even today, women of a certain age, or women who are going gray. Have to make this vital decision. It's a life, it's really a life altering decision. Am I going to dye my hair?

Gail Collins:                          Well my friend, Nora Ephron said, that the history of women superseding the limitations of age was not about feminism or about better life through exercise. It was all about hair dye. I was just totally into that idea, and I grabbed it. Because it really is in many ways true, that if you have the choice of deciding whether or not you're going to go gray, and either one is a perfectly logical choice. It does create an end to that whole idea that there's a particular point in life when all women go gray, and that's a marker, because clearly, two thirds of the women are not having that marker anymore.

Gail Collins:                          It was a 10 year period, I think it was from the beginning to the end of the '60s, but maybe the '70s, when the first time that women could, that was really easy to do hair coloring. You could do it at home. It was easy to go to a hair shop and get it done. 7% of women used hair coloring at the beginning of that decade, and by the end, they had to take hair color off American passports because you couldn't tell anymore. You had no idea what color people's hair really was. So it's just eliminated. It's a big thing.

Gail Collins:                          And in the early days, women, first of all was against the law in many States, allegedly, to dye your hair. Or at least they tried to pass a law. State legislatures will do anything, basically. And there was a long period of state legislatures talking about banning, or making it illegal to dye your hair, because the theory was, you could trick people into marrying you, trick men into marrying you by looking younger than you really were. A, the dyes were so terrible then that nobody would have been fooled anyway. And if you use them, your hair would fall out, or you get mercury poisoning. It just was not a reliable thing to do for anybody. But there was this paranoia on the part of state legislatures and people, guys in general, that somehow women would be able to trick you into thinking that they were much younger than they really were.

Lauren Schiller:                  There's got to be a politician who just had a terrible experience, and he was like, I am not letting this happen to any of my other male friends.

Gail Collins:                          State Senator, Fred. And he told everybody about it, it was horrible.

Lauren Schiller:                  I was also thinking about, I can't remember if this is in your book or not, but the quality of mirrors used to be not that good.

Gail Collins:                          Right.

Lauren Schiller:                  And if you've ever stayed in an old house or whatever, and you try and do your makeup, pluck your eyebrows, forget about it. So, but as the quality of mirrors got better, I'm guessing, that also intersected with the proliferation of magazines, and all of these different ways that you could beautify yourself, and all the makeup that was available to do it with.

Gail Collins:                          It's absolutely true and it was very fast, that suddenly this all turned over, and women went, hey, this could happen, that could happen. And then once it became possible, every magazine in the entire universe was warning you, if you don't use that, or that or blah, you are going to look like such a hag. You will never be able to go outside again. There was one ad I really loved. It was from I think the '40s maybe the '50s, in which a young girl is saying to her mother, mom, you're looking so young these days, because of blah, blah. And mom looked really young because she had exactly the same face as her daughter in the ad.

Lauren Schiller:                  In addition to the epiphany around the mirror. I was also just thinking about how much, these magazines, many of them, especially as the years went on, were run by women, and women perpetuating these beauty standards, which were, are, impossible for most real people who don't have Photoshop or a stylist and to make a person and a fitness trainer and yada, yada, yada to actually live up to. And that it has caused... And you can see I'm wearing lipstick, I get my hair cut just the other day, but that it has caused us women to spend so much time and money worrying about these things, and also being judged by them, and that it has been perpetuated, in a sense, by other women, women who had the possibility to change the way we think about ourselves.

Gail Collins:                          It's a great business. And I worry about cosmetic surgery, that the places at which it goes to. Crazy lengths, and you just see poor women cutting themselves up every year to try to look more and more young, and I find that very disturbing. But I have to say I've gotten used to the cosmetic thing. And I see a lot of guys who I just think, well, if you had the opportunity [crosstalk 00:32:21]. It's not my biggest worry, anyway, in the cosmic scheme of things.

Lauren Schiller:                  Coming up, Gail Collins tells us her adventure to becoming the first woman editor of the editorial page of the New York Times.

Lauren Schiller:                  Join our supporters by making a tax deductible donation at inflectionpoint.org, and clicking the support button.

Lauren Schiller:                  We're moving away from hair dye and makeup, and all of that, into the civil rights movement.

Gail Collins:                          Fantastic.

Lauren Schiller:                  Where women did, when they went to march, dress quite beautifully, and wear their hat and their lipstick and you even have a story about lipstick and suits.

Gail Collins:                          The Women's March for Peace, in particular. That was the first really anti war anti nuclear proliferation movement, that was created by middle-class housewives. And their idea was, that if you marched around wearing a shirtwaist dress, and maybe even a mink coat and high heels picketing the White House, that you would confuse people, and then they cause them to think, maybe mothers really do care about these issues, and it's not really the three crazy people down the street. And it worked, to some extent. And for a long time, younger women in the movement, were always being yelled at for not coming in with the right clothes on and stuff like that, because they thought that was a really important part of the story.

Gail Collins:                          Can I just tell one civil rights thing that-

Lauren Schiller:                  That proceeded, that was leading up to the civil rights... Yes, go.

Gail Collins:                          The thing about the civil rights movement that... I thought so much about the trajectory of African American women, which was different because they were working all the time, mostly as domestics. But when you got to the civil rights movement, when we think about the civil rights movement, we think about young people getting killed or risking their lives down South. And then we think about Martin Luther King, and all the other men who were leaders. But if you look at, say the beginning of the movement, the first person that most Americans heard about was Rosa Parks, who was a middle aged woman. And then that gave birth to, when she refused to go to the back of the bus, that gave birth to the Montgomery bus boycott, which was really the thing that caused America for the first time to think, what's going on? For the first time, really focus in on this.

Gail Collins:                          And the Montgomery bus boycott was organized by middle aged black women. They were the ones who had been out in the community forever doing social work, helping people, taking care of stuff that was going on, working on the schools, registering people to vote. And they were the ones that had those kinds of connections, who could go right in there and organize people very quickly. And nobody gave them any credit. And Andrew Young said that it was because it was, they were too much like their mothers, so they therefore it didn't want to do it. But nobody has celebrated the work of older black women in the civil rights movement nearly, nearly enough.

Lauren Schiller:                  And he specifically said that about Ella Baker.

Gail Collins:                          Yes. Ella Baker was my hero. Oh my God.

Lauren Schiller:                  Tell her story.

Gail Collins:                          Ella Baker was a great organizer in the civil rights movement, and she started out, and she spent her most heroic years working with young people, black and white in the South, trying to give them a vision of community organizing that didn't involve just having a big strike and that everybody goes away. But organizing the whole community so that people are able to take up the cause themselves, and set their own goals. And it was hard to do, because of course the kids wanted to come in and...

Gail Collins:                          But she spent her great years working on that kind of organization, and she would spend all of her nights on trains going from town to town, sitting, listening all night long to young people talking, trying to help them by listening to them think about ways to move forward. They called her their Gandhi. She did this when she had terrible asthma, and all these kids smoked the whole night long. She would sit there with respirators, listening to them with an oxygen mask on, listening for hours and hours and hours and hours, patiently, to these kids talking in order to help them to move forward. I think she's the great unsung heroine, hero, of the civil rights movement forever.

Lauren Schiller:                  Ella Baker was a middle aged woman who went and hung out with young people, and helped them rise up. But sometimes, the young people don't necessarily want the old people around.

Gail Collins:                          Don't trust anyone over 30.

Lauren Schiller:                  Exactly.

Gail Collins:                          I must admit, I was in college for that. We actually did trust many people over 30, people who are professors, men and women, and our lawyers. But it was just so cool to say that, that you just did for a while there.

Lauren Schiller:                  We would say in high school all the time to our parents. You wrote in your book, it was about the 1950s. In the 1950s, the Population Reference Bureau was a research book that warned that the country could be taken over by elderly women, since their numbers were increasing so much faster than that of the men in terms of voting power, ownership of land and corporate equities. The US could be seen on the road toward a geronto-matriarchy, control by aging females.

Gail Collins:                          Ready to go. Okay.

Lauren Schiller:                  What happened?

Gail Collins:                          Worse things could happen in the world. I can name one right now really fast. And part of it is, went with women's suffrage, and why it didn't work out the way you expected, is that women's interests are so intermingled with their husbands, their sons, their brothers, that it's very seldom that you see for any prolonged period of time women separating themselves from men and saying, we're just going to do this on our own. It's just not going to ever happen. And that was part of it. And the whole women, older women, taking over the world thing, which I'm looking forward to, has clearly been a lot slower than some people might've expected. But I think that's just paranoia. There's just a ton of that out there. People being, statisticians and poll takers, becoming paranoid about stuff that they didn't need to become paranoid about.

Lauren Schiller:                  Remember the statistic about people over 65 being such a small percentage of the population. So apparently, by 2034, there will be more people 65 and older than there are people under 18.

Gail Collins:                          The population is just exploding all the way up. And as, I think I said before, the answer to that, one of the answers is that older people are not going to be able to drop out anyway, even if they want to. They're going to have to chip in there, do stuff to help keep the rest of the country going. It's our responsibility, for heaven's sake. You just can't let these things slide and say, I've done mine. I'm gone. This is all you. That's one of the reasons I just see this incredible change, and what's going to be happening.

Lauren Schiller:                  Yeah. You'll probably tell me that it's always been this way, but there is a movement around activism for mothers, and often, mothers in their forties whose kids are old enough, they're at school and they have time available to push forward things around ending gun violence. Mothers Against Drunk Driving is the first one that... Okay, ending gun violence. Yes, thank you. I'm thinking specifically of Shannon Watts for Moms Demand Action, and then Moms Clean Air Force is a great environmental group, but Mothers Against Drunk Driving is the first one that I have a memory of. And just thinking about these women who are old enough to have a skillset, and a focus and something that they want to see change, and not just go along with the status quo. That is such a huge asset to our country.

Gail Collins:                          It's always been this way No really. But there've been so many people like that who have talked about that throughout our history. Jane Adams was the famous leader of the first social work movement, really, among women in this country. And she worked until she really was almost ready to die, and wrote many articles as she got older about how older women were getting back in there and they were doing... It was all volunteer work, but it was very serious volunteer work in their communities. They were starting women's clubs that everybody thought were, oh my God, they're going to be writing papers about Julius Caesar and his wife's dresses or whatever, it's going to be really silly. And very fast, they went from, we're going to do study groups to, we are going to do prison reform. We're going to go and help working women in working class, working women. We're going to do stuff to pasteurized milk, for God's sake.

Gail Collins:                          So this, this has been a movement that comes and goes and comes and goes, but I think it's coming again now you. Do really see, although I talked to Anna Quinlan about that, who's been working for Planned Parenthood for a thousand years, just the rock of Planned Parenthood, and she said that she finds now that's so many older women are still working, that they're volunteers, more and more, tend to be younger women who are trying to get college credit for it or something like that. Which is a very weird and strange thought that never occurred to me before, but I'm just putting it out there. Because if Anna Quinlan says it, it's probably true.

Lauren Schiller:                  Yeah. And those interns should get paid. Well one of the things that I, the main thing that I explore on my show, is how women rise up. So since you've studied 400 years of women rising up, is there an answer out there? Could we just put a nail in it?

Gail Collins:                          There are many, but I can tell you one from your very own life. When people ask me a lot, how did you get to be the editorial page editor at the Times or whatever. And the answer is basically-

Lauren Schiller:                  First woman.

Gail Collins:                          First women, there were some before me, but they were all guys. There were many before me, but they were all guys. And I have to tell you this, as totally in passing, and I'm sorry I'm getting off the subject, but at the Times, there is a room where the editorial board meets and they do all their deliberations and discussions. And when I was around, there were pictures on the wall, it was in the old building, of Henry Raymond, who was the first editor and editorial page editor and a few of the other really famous editorial page editors. And of course they're all guys, and I used to, once in a while, if I was feeling really sassy, I just go in the middle of the day and I'd say, guys, I've got your job. It just knocked me out. I really just always enjoyed it, always enjoyed that.

Gail Collins:                          I wanted to tell a story that has, I was talking so much about how the economy changed what happened with women and everything else, but it was also the women who changed what happened with women. Women who filed lawsuits, and who went on strike for equal opportunity, and they were almost never the people who got the rewards. At the times, the women who, was before I got there, but the day that I think the publisher or the editor, it was while back, posted a thing saying we have three new openings for editors. Any guy that's interested should just come over here and apply or something like that. But whatever it was, it just drove the women crazy because they had all had desires. They had hopes and dreams of becoming, say foreign editor, or national editor or whatever. And they were all getting shunted away to assistant travel page editor or whatever.

Gail Collins:                          And they were so angry, and they fought, they started fighting and protesting and threatening lawsuits and terrifying the management, until all these changes were made. And I guarantee you right now, the New York times is the most diversity conscious place I have certainly ever worked. They're very, very conscious of that. But this change, when it happened, didn't help those women, because they had been spending so much of their lives fighting for this stuff that they were like... They'd been... She was the travel editor, or travel deputy for 15 years. What the hell? We're not. And they were older, and they'd gotten in everybody's face. So they were thought of as a pain. The people who got all the rewards for people like me, who walked in right after that. And we were the ones who got all of the opportunities.

Gail Collins:                          And I know so many of these women. And the thing about them that just knocks me out is that they weren't bitter about it. They were so happy that they had done something that had opened up these opportunities. When I got to be editorial page editor, they were thrilled. None of them ran around saying, I could have done that, for God's sake. I didn't have the chance. It's not fair. And that to me is the definition of a great heart. Somebody who takes joy in somebody else getting the thing they fought for that they didn't get. And that's what these women were like. And I never pass up a chance to talk them.

Lauren Schiller:                  That's it. That's the answer, right? We help each other step up.

Gail Collins:                          You help each other.

Lauren Schiller:                  So when I first got the book, I thought to myself, No Stopping Us Now, is that ironic or sincere? But I feel like by the end of reading the book and this conversation, I think it's our rallying cry.

Gail Collins:                          It is totally sincere. I just look at the history, and when I think that I got to live through the point in history that changed the entire way women survive in western civilization. That changed the role of women, the role of men relating to women that had gone on forever. It changed in my lifetime and I got to see it happen. How can you not be optimistic when you think about something like that?

Lauren Schiller:                  Could you feel it? Could you feel it as each change happened? Obviously as a little baby, you're maybe not feeling things, but as you as a tween, and then in your twenties thirties and so on?

Gail Collins:                          I was really completely out to lunch about it. I had gone mostly to all girls schools and so, and they were Catholic schools, so really the male thing did not enter the equation a whole lot at all as you were coming along. And then when I was in college, we were having the free speech movement, and it was a very open movement and I felt fine about that. So it really wasn't until I got to graduate school, and there were a lot of other women organizing around women's issues. And I had no idea, and there were, there were no women faculty members in the graduate school where I was at UMass at that time, but it had never occurred to me. I was so stupid, and so dumb and I'm just every day thankful that when I was there, I ran into all of these amazing women and on and on throughout my life. They were all always way ahead of me, and it was just a privilege to come up behind them and learn stuff from them.

Lauren Schiller:                  That was Gail Collins, New York Times columnist and author of No Stopping Us Now, speaking with me live on stage at the Jewish Community Center of San Francisco. I'll put a link to Gail's book on my website, inflectionpointradio.org, where you can also find future events by clicking on the events tab. I'm Lauren Schiller, this is Inflection Point, and this is how women rise up.

Lauren Schiller:                  Today's program was produced, in part, by the generous donation of Ellen Olsen in honor of her late mother-in-law, Margaret Nicholson, a woman Ellen says, was way ahead of her time.

Lauren Schiller:                  That's our Inflection Point for today. All of our episodes are on Apple Podcasts, Radio Public, Stitcher, Pandora, NPR One, all the places. Give us a five star review, and subscribe to the podcast.

Lauren Schiller:                  Know a woman leading change we should talk to? Let us know at inflectionpointradio.org. While you're there, support our production with a tax deductible, monthly, or one-time contribution, when women rise up, we all rise up, just go to inflectionpointradio.org.

Lauren Schiller:                  We're on Facebook and Instagram @inflectionpointradio. Follow us, and join the Inflection Point Society, our Facebook group of everyday activists who seek to make extraordinary change through small daily actions. And follow me on Twitter @LASchiller.

Lauren Schiller:                  To find out more about today's guest, and to be in the loop with our email newsletter, you know where to go, inflectionpointradio.org.

Lauren Schiller:                  Inflection point is produced in partnership with KALW 91.7 FM in San Francisco, and PRX. Our community manager is Laura Weaver. Our engineer and producer is Eric Wayne. I'm your host, Lauren Schiller.

Speaker 3:                              Support for this podcast comes from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

 

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Eve Rodsky is Ending Gendered Division of Labor at Home

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When Eve Rodsky found herself sobbing on the side of the road over a text about blueberries, she knew something had to change. Hence began her seven year quest to create a more equitable division of labor at home. Her book is called "Fair Play. A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live)" and her solutions are based on extensive research with experts from sociologists to neuroscientists to behavioral economists and conversations with couples all over the country.

TRANSCRIPT: We do our best, please forgive or let us know any errors.

Eve Rodsky:                           I find myself sobbing on the side of the road over a text my husband, Seth, sent me and it just said, "I'm surprised you didn't get blueberries." And you can picture the scene. I just had a new baby, my second son, Ben was just born. I am on the side of the road sobbing with a breast pump and a diaper bag in my passenger seat. I have returns for a new baby in the back seat of the car, because God forbid they have more than a 30-day return policy for clothes. I have a client contract on my lap with a pen, sort of a sticking me in the vagina as I'm trying to mark it up at every red light traffic stop. As I'm zooming to pick up my older son, Zach, who's about almost turning three at the time, in his toddler transition program.

Eve Rodsky:                           In America, since we really value working mothers, those programs are like 10 minutes long. So I was trying to zoom back and I was like, "Okay, I'm probably going to get into an accident if I'm crying, and my contract's going to get all runny." So I pulled over the side of the road, I just started crying. I knew I was going to be late to pick up Zach, but that was a day I always say, "Thank God Seth sent me that text." Still married. We're very happily married, thanks to Fair Play. But back then it felt like my breaking point, and I said to myself, you know, I'm done. This is not the career marriage combo I thought I was going to have.

Lauren Schiller:                  I'm Lauren Schiller and that is Eve Rodsky, the author of a new book, a revolution called Fair Play. We spoke on stage for Inforum at the Commonwealth Club of San Francisco this October, to a very lively house. What is this Fair Play you might ask? Well, here's what it's the opposite of.

Eve Rodsky:                           Second shift, mental load, emotional labor. But my favorite came out of a 1987 article by a sociologist named Arlene Kaplan Daniels, and her article is called Invisible Work. And why I love that one so much was because you can't value what you don't see.

Lauren Schiller:                  Eve set out to find out why women are what she calls the she-fault, for all things domestic and more to the point what can be done about it. This is Inflection Point with stories of how women rise up.

Eve Rodsky:                           I had women saying to me, WTF, I'm doing it all. Another woman said to me, "At this rate, after looking at this spread sheet I'm not going to stay in my marriage." And so I realized I had unleashed this rant without a solution. And every other book up until Fair Play, every other book had said, make a list. But there is a problem when you make a list sometimes, right? Because you enter consciousness. But if you don't have a solution, when you're woke and you just are sitting in that resentment, it actually can be worse before it gets better.

Eve Rodsky:                           And so that's where I realized I needed to put my mediator hat on and say, I do this for a living. I develop systems. I'm a Harvard trained mediator. I am product of a single mother who vowed this one happened to me. I went to my first equal rights amendment march when I was 15 months old. I was there.

Lauren Schiller:                  You were? Oh my God.

Eve Rodsky:                           We were there together. It was still happening to me. So I went on a quest to find out if that was true. And the good news for Fair Play, the bad news for society is that it was happening to lots of other women too.

Lauren Schiller:                  Yup. Well since you mentioned your mom and you mentioned that march, and maybe if I go back through old photos I can find you as an infant.

Eve Rodsky:                           Yeah, I have that photo.

Lauren Schiller:                  I was only like seven. But anyway tell us about your mom a little bit and growing up with her, and like what you used to do for fun on your birthday.

Eve Rodsky:                           Oh yeah. So my mother, we didn't have a lot of money for fancy birthday gifts. Even if we did, I'm not sure she would have given me any, because she doesn't really believe in possessions. But instead what we would do on my birthday, she said she would give me the gift of being the change I want to see in the world. That's the Gandhi quote. And so what we did was she said, I could look at anything I wanted, any civic engagement that was happening in Washington DC. We lived in New York City.

Eve Rodsky:                           And so around my birthday, she said she'd buy me a Greyhound bus ticket, and we'd pack lunch and we'd go down, and usually it was a march. So every year my birthday starting around seven, we'd go to Washington D.C. and we'd march for whatever social justice civic engagement thing was happening at the time. And I think it really impacted me because a, obviously it's this idea of not materialism b, it's this idea of birthdays, being gratitude for other people, but c, it was the camaraderie to understand that if you go and there's other people there, there's more people than you, who are caring about an issue and that leads you to do more.

Eve Rodsky:                           And so that was also like the beauty, my love letter to you. Fair Play is a love letter to women, and it's also become a love letter to men. Because I get to share your stories and that's sort of the beauty of the march of this idea that we're all in this together. And it was the cathartic thing for me was that, it wasn't just a me problem. My favorite sociologist C. Wright Mills says, "Private lives, public issues." And I realized this was a serious public issue, yeah.

Lauren Schiller:                  So in the start contrast to your moment on the side of the road, you tell a story in the book about being on an airplane and checking off this dude across the aisle. Can you share the story and kind of what epiphany that brought?

Eve Rodsky:                           Absolutely.

Lauren Schiller:                  We'll hear that story and more right after this short break.

Eve Rodsky:                           So the man on the plane, I call this case of the man on the plane. My cousin and I, right when I was discovering all these issues, getting to consciousness about what was happening, I was becoming the defaults. Or like I like to say in the book that she-falls, for every single thing for my household and family, regardless of whether we work outside the home, women do two thirds of what it takes to run a home and family regardless of whether we work outside the home. So before that was a statistic I was undeniably living, but I didn't know at the time.

Eve Rodsky:                           So around the time when I was undeniably living this, but didn't know it at the time, I was on a plane with my cousin, she was coming back to L.A., she was coming out for work. I was coming home from a work trip and we had our grab and go Chicken Caesar Wraps. We went to Hudson News to buy presents for the kids. The second we enter boarding area, DirecTV decides to call me. I'd forgotten I'd scheduled a satellite installation appointment from six months earlier. If anyone's ever dealt with ATT, you don't want to ever deal with not taking that satellite appointment.

Eve Rodsky:                           So I'm trying to install a satellite dish on FaceTime with these men at my house. My cousin at the same time, her phone blows up, her au pair didn't know where to go for soccer practice, and didn't have the cleats or the shin guard. So she's sending him back home. The au pair back home to get her stuff, and we're having this very interactive boarding session. As we get to our seats, my cousin, as I'm still on the phone with ATT, realizes she left her laptop bag back in the boarding area.

Eve Rodsky:                           So we're pushing through to try to get back off the plane. I'm screaming the whole, the plane, the first class flight attendants weren't that happy, that people all the way back in coach were trying to disrupt the first class passengers. She gets off the plane, we get back on the plane, and it was this collective staring at us like, "Ladies, get your shit together."

Eve Rodsky:                           Now on the other side of the plane where you're sitting, this man walks on and we became very interested in this man, because he's about our age. He just takes out a laptop. He literally has no luggage, and we see sort of his screensaver is a really cute brunette, and some kids on his screen saver and he just starts typing, just starts typing. And somehow he manages to finish a PowerPoint deck as we're in the air. And then my cousin keeps looking over and she's like, "What is he doing? He's like solving world peace. He's like solving like calculus."

Eve Rodsky:                           He was using this sort of weird grid, this geometric grid, and then he fell asleep. And then he was doing some candy crush on his phone and there was obviously no good movies on to be watched. We were just became sort of obsessed with him and about five hours into the flight from New York to L.A., my cousin just looks at me and says, "I just wish I was that man." And it was this idea, right, that what is the value of an unencumbered mind? It really is truly priceless. And Virginia Woolf talks about this, almost a hundred years ago that Shakespeare couldn't have been a woman because her mind is too encumbered.

Eve Rodsky:                           And so that really got me thinking about the cost of women, right? The cost of women, of being on our side of the plane, and the motherhood penalty for being seen as not having our shit together, and what the beauty is. And so that set off this idea of the pricelessness of an unencumbered mind. So then from there, my passion, what I call my unicorn space, became this idea of how do we get women, how do we get women to have less of an encumbered mind? We're never going to have a fully unencumbered mind, but even if it's a little less, even if there's one less satellite dish appointment, maybe we're just dealing with the au pair, it'll be a little bit better. Maybe I will have 20 minutes to play candy crush in the airport too.

Lauren Schiller:                  So in the book you talk about the difference between equal and equity.

Eve Rodsky:                           Yeah.

Lauren Schiller:                  Like that the goal is actually not... So all this stuff that we're responsible for, which, I mean that is a whole other conversation. It's like why are we the she-faults? Actually I'll just ask you that. Did you learn about that? Like why are we the she-fault?

Eve Rodsky:                           There's two phases... Well, I have three phases of research. So phase one was figuring out why we were the she-fault by going through every single article and book, because I'm a really good researcher. My college roommate can tell you that. That ever been written on the subject of what I call the she-fault. And it turns out that she-fault has a name actually many names, second shift, mental load, emotional labor. But my favorite came out of a 1987 article by a sociologist named Arlene Kaplan Daniels. And her article was called Invisible Work.

Eve Rodsky:                           And why I love that one so much was because you can't value what you don't see. So what if, and this was my first foray into this idea of the solution was, what if I made visible the invisible. And I finally showed Seth all that I do. And so that has led me on this mission to create what I call the Shit I Do spreadsheets. And it was a really fun exercise that took me months. But what it started with was me writing down every single thing I did that took more than two minutes, that have a quantifiable time component.

Eve Rodsky:                           So you can't quantify love, but you can quantify how long it takes you to buy the flowers for the recital. So that became gestures of love, in one of my Excel tabs, and slowly I started building and I don't know if any of you that use Excel, but it had 98 tabs, 20 items of sub tabs, over a thousand items of visible work. And then I sort of sent it to my friends to say what am I missing? And I had friends who say, "Well you forgot sunscreen." I say, well obviously you don't have to use Excel then, because it's tab 72, under medical and healthy living, you just didn't down to item 21, because it's there.

Eve Rodsky:                           Another woman who I didn't even know, literally a friend of a friend that found my list through the Jewish Federation in Arizona said that she noticed I didn't have allowance on there. And I said, "Well then you really don't know how to read Excel because it's under tab 55, it's under family values and traditions." It's item number seven because why else are you giving allowance unless it's to have some sort of family value. So I think they were like freaked out, but they were very happy that it was that thorough.

Eve Rodsky:                           And I finally get the courage after these months and months to send this 19 million megabytes spreadsheet off to my husband, with the very eloquent need or like perfect communicator in the subject line that said, "Can't wait to discuss," with no context other than that, and just send it off into the ether and waiting for his response. And I'm waiting and waiting, and I finally get Seth Rodsky, unread email in my inbox. I open up the email and it's just one monkey covering its eyes. That was that. I didn't even get the courtesy of the three monkey trio. So sad, just to see no evil.

Eve Rodsky:                           And so obviously in my household, right, this has triggered a see no evil reaction. That's where I realized I needed to put my mediator hat on and say, I do this for a living. I develop systems for very difficult families, and if that doesn't make sense to you, just picture the HBO shows succession. Those are my clients. You should feel bad for me. But the good news is that working with families like that, I've had a decade of experience in mediation and systems building around shared values.

Eve Rodsky:                           Where even the most difficult clients, who would literally storm out of the room, when their son would be speaking, can share and have communication with grace and humor and generosity around very difficult family issues. So if that can happen for those families, I thought, "Well why not bring the same systems learning into ordinary households?" And that's sort of how I started developing Fair Play. Yeah.

Lauren Schiller:                  Okay. So let's get to this equity question, versus equality question. Because I mean it seems like the very first place that you would go is like, okay, there are a hundred items on this list or a thousand items on this list or whatever it is for you or your family. So if I just give you, my partner, half of them, everything's good.

Eve Rodsky:                           Yeah.

Lauren Schiller:                  But you actually say that's not true. So talk about that a little bit.

Eve Rodsky:                           So the Shit I Do spreadsheet evolves over time into the 100 Fair Play cards. And what I found was, the science backs this up. 50/50 is the absolute wrong equation. And I actually think 50/50 has held us back for a 100 years, because it's never 50/50, and then when you think it's going to be, there's a lot of disappointment and resentment and on and on and on. So what I realized, and the science backs this up, is that perceived fairness is a better indicator than actual fairness, whatever that means in the home in terms of how you view your partnership.

Eve Rodsky:                           So my perceived fairness may look different Laura than your perceived fairness. But what it comes out of after doing all the research is ownership. And so what I mean by that is everything you sort of need to know about Fair Play, you sort of can learn from the life changing magic of mustard. And what I mean by that is somebody has to know your second son, Johnny, like spreads French's yellow mustard on his protein, otherwise he like gags on protein, right? So if he dips it in French's yellow mustard, he eats his protein. That's what I call conception.

Eve Rodsky:                           That's what organizational manager's called conception. Then somebody has to put it on a list, or notice that the French's yellow mustard is running low. That's what I called planning. Then someone actually has to get their butts to the store to purchase the French's yellow mustard. And that's what I call execution. And that's when men step in. And that's a big problem, because they always bring home spicy Dijon, the nasty scene, they just do. And then men all over the country are saying to me, "I'm never going back to the store for my wife, because I went to the damn store, I got the mustard and I can't ever do anything right."

Eve Rodsky:                           My love letter to men, women all over the country were saying things to me like, "Well what do you mean Eve? You want me to trust him with making our living will? He can't even bring home the right type of mustard." And so it led to this trust spiral, where women just kept on taking more and more and more back on their plates. So what happens when you own the full mustard situation? When the conception, planning, execution stays together, when you have context? Well, if I'm the one who notices that my son needs a mustard and plan for the mustard, and I execute mustard, then something beautiful happens. You actually bring home the yellow mustard.

Eve Rodsky:                           And so Fair Play is predicated on that notion of ownership. And so that's why I say it's not 50/50, because men are not taking 50/50 of the cards. Even stay at home dads often don't have 50 cards, but when you have ownership there's perceived fairness, and so back what I just said, perceived fairness is a better indicator of marital happiness, and that's what I kept seeing all over the country, when you own the mustard situation. And if you don't believe me and you say, "Well, yeah, right. That's definitely not how we do things in our family."

Eve Rodsky:                           I just say, "Let me stop you because the most successful organizations do it that way." Netflix calls it the RRP, the rare responsible person, where they're given context, not control, and you never wait to be told what to do. Apple coined the term DRI, which is a directly responsible individual, where you own a task from conception and planning to overseeing the execution. So I believe it's time to start treating our home with some respect and rigor. That our home is our most important organization, because who would ever walk into your boss's office and sit there and say, "So, hey, what should we be doing today? I'll just wait here to tell me what to do."

Eve Rodsky:                           You wouldn't have a job the next day. But that's how we're doing things in our home. So I'm asking people to just bring some respect, some rigor. Like I said, treat our home like an organization, because when you do, then things start to change.

Lauren Schiller:                  So what about the idea of who has more time? So you actually break down kind of three or so, maybe it's four categories of situations that women are in, why don't you say what the categories are. Because, you've got women who are working full time and you've got women who are staying at home, and somehow there seemed to be equally responsible for as long the same things. But this idea that especially the women who are staying home, by choice or otherwise, theoretically have more time.

Eve Rodsky:                           Well the first thing again is back to fairness, right? Fair Play is a very customizable situation. So my affair is not going to look the same as your affair. Again why I think 50/50 is the wrong equation, because what does 50/50 mean, in a stay at home marriage where maybe you are taking on more of the marriage, the responsibilities in the home. But back to your question Lauren, about time. So why is Fair Play not just a card game? I wish I could just like hand out decks. But what I realized was that, and you've said this a tone sort of switches.

Eve Rodsky:                           The first half of the book really it has to be some consciousness raising, and then you can go to the South Beach diet part where I give you like what to eat and when to eat it, and that's where men come in, because they do like the prescriptive stuff. But the beginning was so important because of my finding. I had this giant finding that I wasn't expecting, and it sort of predicates everything that comes after in Fair Play. And it was this idea that women and society view men's time as finite, like diamonds, and women's time is infinite like sand. So what do I mean by that?

Eve Rodsky:                           Well, men were saying things like, "My power hours, I make more money and she has more time." So we were hearing it from men that, we know that from equal pay, we go into the office for the same amount of hours. We're paid less for those hours. But what I didn't expect was that the worst purveyors of not valuing their time would actually be women. And so women all over the country were saying things to me like, "Of course I should pick up the extra slack in my home, because my husband makes more money than me," not true.

Eve Rodsky:                           Other women were saying to me, "I do more in the home because I'm just wired differently. I'm a better multi-tasker." So I went to the top neuroscientists in this country to find out that that's 100% not true. And one actually said to me, off the record, "Don't use this in the book, but you can use this on your tour. Imagine you can convince half the population that they're better at wiping asses and doing dishes. How great for the other half of the population." That's that multitasking message. Hence, there's a 100 CEO's in the Forbes list this month, and guess what they all have in common except for one, they all are men.

Eve Rodsky:                           Okay. Other women were saying to me, "In the time it takes me to tell him how to do it, I might as well do it myself." So I went to the top behavioral economists who think all only about longterm thinking, 1000% not true in terms of longterm planning and my favorite were the two people with the same job? Yeah, we're both colorectal surgeons. Yeah, we're both shipping supervisors, but my husband's really busy and overwhelmed and I just find the time. And so I like to say, unless we're somehow Albert Einstein and we know how to fuck with the space time continuum, we definitely can't find time.

Eve Rodsky:                           There's literally no way to find time. But there is time choice of how you use your time, and if I have less choice of over how or use my time, then my time is less valued. So having to break those down for women especially was really important. So a lot of the book is looking at our own views of how we view our own time. And so I like to say, imagine a world where we're all time is created equal, right? Where we actually really believe that an hour holding our child's hand in the pediatrician's office, is just as valuable as an hour in the board room.

Eve Rodsky:                           If that becomes true, then guess what? Men will be more likely to do it, and then we'll start having some real changes in those workplaces. So all time is created equal, that's where the fundamental premise came from.

Lauren Schiller:                  So I mean, that is a huge societal shift.

Eve Rodsky:                           Yeah.

Lauren Schiller:                  Right.? And you know, I guess change starts at home. Have you learned about how that might ultimately ripple out to being rewarded in our larger society? I mean what do you think needs to change kind of from other directions?

Eve Rodsky:                           That's a great question. I'll tell it to you. Can I tell a two minute story that actually illustrate some sort of change that's happening? So I'll tell you a story about my friend Julie and Ed, who wanted to try Fair Play around the holidays last year. It's a terrible time to try anything new. But this actually was after the manuscript was submitted. So you're hearing a story that's actually not in the book. So Ed is the type of guy who said things to me like, "I'm the CEO outside the home, and my wife's a CEO inside the home, so throw up."

Eve Rodsky:                           Okay. But that's Ed. I like him. That's sort of the way he came at this. And so Julie wanted to try Fair Play, because she was super overwhelmed, and she says to me, "My mom just entered the hospital. Ed says he wants to help. I'm taking the kids to school. I'm working part time. I'm still making their lunches. I'm trying to decorate the Christmas tree, try to do a holiday card, plan our Christmas travel, and I'm at my breaking point."

Eve Rodsky:                           So I said to her, "Well, what's breaking you?" And she said my second son, Brody, second grade secret Santa project, because it has to be made from scratch. I always say thank you to the schools. It's so nice to do that to us around the holidays. But they do. And so she said to me, "Well typically if I hadn't heard about your Fair Play concepts, I would just give Ed a list of all the things I need to get for me for the secret Santa project. And when I got home from sitting my mother in the hospital, I'd be building the project with Brody.

Eve Rodsky:                           But you're telling me not to do that. You're telling me to ask Ed, CEO outside the home to own the homework, this one homework projects for one day, one card for one day." I said, "Yes, I am asking you to do that." And so Julie said to me, "Well I wouldn't even know where to begin? Like that's completely not our habit." And she was sort of panicking, because she wouldn't have the tools to ask him to own the homework card for this project. So Fair Play at its core is really based on values. It's not a score keeping exercise where you throw cards at your partner.

Eve Rodsky:                           I asked you to back it up to what is your why. So I did that with Julie and I said "Why do you value this project? Let's just start with that. Why is this the project that's breaking you?" And so she said to me, "Well it's the signature second grade project, because we're supposed to be teaching our kids that Christmas is not about a $100 [inaudible 00:25:56]. It's about a lack of materialism and the fact that you can get a nice homemade gift that you actually are excited to open, means a lot to me in the school."

Eve Rodsky:                           Okay. I was feeling like that was a very articulate answer. And then she says, "On top of it, my son Brody drew the name of a new girl at school, and I watch her, I'm the one who drops off in the morning, because I have a part time job. And so I watch this little girl sort of walk around, and no one's really talking to her. And it would be really nice if my son who is popular and athletic and who has been at the school since kindergarten would make something really nice for this new girl. Like maybe would make her feel more welcome, and it would foster empathy for him."

Eve Rodsky:                           So I tear every time... You know, when she said that, I still tear up telling that story. So it felt very powerful to me. Her why. So I said, "Just say that to Ed. Just what you just said to me. When you're calm, not when you're feeling overwhelmed, but when you're calm, articulate that. Exactly what you just said to me. You say to him." So I was interviewing a lot of people at the time, so I almost forgot about checking back in with them. But I'm so happy I did because Ed gets on the phone and tells me that right after Julie told him that he began Googling secret Santa projects for little girls with his son Brody.

Eve Rodsky:                           Remember this is CEO outside the home guy, and that's what I call conception. Because they decided in a Popsicle stick jewelry box, and then he tells me that they start writing down on a list everything they need to build that project. So they wanted color, this is all Eds details. They wanted colored, Popsicle sticks, glue, glitter and Brody even wanted the little girl not to have to use two hands to open her jewelry box. So they were buying a knob for the box that was on their list.

Eve Rodsky:                           So that's what I call in Fair Play, the planning. And then Ed tells me that he found this really cool store named My Goals. And it wasn't even that difficult because you could just go to one store, and get everything you need. So wow, that sounds like a really cool store. And they go to My Goals, they pick up everything they need for this project and they come home. And they start building it. And so Julie chimes in and says, "Well, my life changed in that moment." And I said, "Well that's a pretty big statement. So what was changing for you in that moment?"

Eve Rodsky:                           And she said, when she saw Brody and Ed on the floor working on gluing these pieces together for this Popsicle stick jewelry box, that she noticed that Ed had glitter on his hands. And she said to me, I said, "Well, what was making that so meaningful to you? And she said, "Because it finally felt like he was in it with me. And because glitter is a fucking pain in the ass to get out and it's always in her hair and on her hands. And how cool if he actually gets it on his hand and here and realizes that."

Eve Rodsky:                           And so that sort of got me thinking right, about small micro changes. I didn't ask this man to take a 100 cards. I didn't even ask him to take homework for the year or the month. This was ownership of one card for one project, and his wife gave him trust to do it. And so imagine all men have glitter on their hands. Because back to what you said about societal change that starts in the home. So Ed's also a very high up position at a very important East Coast company. What if he recognizes that there's value in doing secret Santa projects?

Eve Rodsky:                           Maybe he'll let his employees leave earlier. Maybe he'll understand that women, their time matters, and so we should pay them the same. But I do think it all begins with glitter. Yeah.

Lauren Schiller:                  Okay. I actually have to ask you about the CEO of the home business, because I was just chatting with someone this weekend who said that that's what their tax advisor put down on her tax return as her title, and she was happy about it.

Eve Rodsky:                           Okay.

Lauren Schiller:                  But you're like, "Hmm, so what?" What is the downside of that?

Eve Rodsky:                           The downside of that is that it means that ownership of every single card is landing on the woman, and nobody can hold all the cards. I mean in single mother of households, yes, they do try to hold all the cards like my mother did, and stuff falls through the cracks. And there's societal issues, we're not valuing that. We could talk all day about single mothers, but if you have the solution, privilege, to have a partner at home, I say to you, "Nobody should be holding all the cards."

Eve Rodsky:                           And so again, what I found was that men like Ed... So let me just tell you another thing, one last thing about Ed that I don't often tell, but in this context I think it's important. He also told me that Brody, his son started crying in the car on the way back from My Goals, because he was sad his grandmother was in the hospital. And I think the reason Ed told me that, I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I want to go back and ask him. I think he told me that because he felt privileged that his son was finally confiding in him.

Eve Rodsky:                           And there's a connection there when your son's willing to be vulnerable and cry to you. And what does that do for him? And so people know, I love these types of stories. So I got a call two days ago from a client in Seattle, who told me he was at a funeral, not to get all existential. And he said, "You're going to love this story about the funeral." I said, "Well, that's really cool. You think I love stories about funerals. But tell me why I'm going to love this story." He said, "This man, again, very powerful man in my clients realm. My HBO says, you know, succession realm passed away.

Eve Rodsky:                           He wasn't my client, he was a friend of my client. And his daughter... So even though he was super powerful, I guess he was always a tooth fairy. He held the magical beings card for his kids, and his daughter read all of the poems she ever received from him as the tooth fairy at his funeral." And so I think about what is that for men? What do we care about at the end of our lives, right? We care about those things, those connections we make. And so I saw men who were getting ownership, not given a list, not what I call rat fucked, the random assignment of a task, but actually given ownership, they were getting more meaningful connections out of their family life.

Eve Rodsky:                           And so it's not good for men either to live in the CEO of the home CEO outside the home siloed living. Even if it's not, like I said, 50/50, trust in the home matters. When you're doing it together, I saw huge shifts in how people were interacting with each other and their children.

Lauren Schiller:                  I think it's worth spending a few minutes talking just functionally about how this works. Because I've been having fun pitching it to various people.

Eve Rodsky:                           I got my ambassador.

Lauren Schiller:                  And I'm like, "This is going to change everyone's life. It's going to change my life." But I was able to go to my husband and say, "Well I have to prepare for this interview. Right. So I need you to play this game with me. That's going to create more efficiency in the home." And I like watched to see what his reaction was. And I was like, "Or," because you've got several pitches that you can make to your partners. Right?

Eve Rodsky:                           Yeah.

Lauren Schiller:                  And I was like waiting to see which one he'd most respond to. Meanwhile, my 14-year-old daughter is listening in because she hears everything and she keeps asking me, "Mom, what's this game? Like are we ever going to play the game?" So I'm like ready to take a pack of cards.

Eve Rodsky:                           Yes. You're going to take on cards.

Lauren Schiller:                  So let's talk about you. I mean, you've obviously referenced the 100 cards and, a few of the different categories and that you need to have the concept planning and execution.

Eve Rodsky:                           Yeah.

Lauren Schiller:                  There's also things like minimum standard of care and all that. So could you just give a little rundown of how this game works?

Eve Rodsky:                           Yes. Remind me to get right back to that. Because you just said something important about communication.

Lauren Schiller:                  Okay.

Eve Rodsky:                           And then we'll get right to the practicality of it. So just one quick thing about how women communicate, and men too. So a lot of women out there were saying to me very powerful women even, and ones that again have less economic privilege that they can never have a conversation about these issues in the home. It's hard that they didn't want to bring it up, that this was too tricky. So one woman said that to me, and then completely unironically about 20 minutes later. She's like, "So yeah, it's when my husband didn't put the clothes in the dryer, I just dumped the wet clothes on his pillow."

Eve Rodsky:                           Another woman said the same thing. "I can't have a conversation about this in my home." But then I find out she has an Instagram account called the shit my husband doesn't pick up, and she takes pictures of all of it and she posts it on Instagram. So what I'd like to say to all you women and men out there, is I promise you, you are already communicating. I will go on your nest camera, watch you for a day, circle every single time you are communicating about home life. Even if I don't see your words coming out of your mouth, you are already communicating.

Eve Rodsky:                           So when I could say to women, you were having a conversation shift, but not a start. Women felt a little bit less scared to have these conversations. And so that is one way to do it. To say we're going to have a shift and not a start because we are already communicating about home life. Now another thing is if you need lots of tools, Fair Play gives you those tools. They give you all the mediation tools that I have out of my practice, but it's also again back to the work we have to do in ourselves, why Fair Play is not just a car game.

Eve Rodsky:                           I have a lot of quizzes in the book, not just on who said it when, but on what type of personality profile are you, what toxic type messages have you given yourself, and also what type of communication vulnerability do you have? So a big communication vulnerability that I had and a lot of women have in my data set, was they love to give feedback in the moment.

Lauren Schiller:                  Yeah.

Eve Rodsky:                           And so when emotion is high, cognition is low. When you're giving that feedback in the moment, it's super unhelpful, but we love to do it. So my editor laughed at me because I had about 20 pages of explaining to women why not to give feedback at the moment from a neuroscientist perspective, from a psychologist, from me, from clergy. And so she said, "I get it that you really want to get this point across, that you have to hold your tongue to a time when emotion is low and cognition is high. But we can't spend 20 pages dissecting this. They're just going to have to believe you with three supporting experts."

Eve Rodsky:                           So it's about four pages in the book of that point. And so you have to start with using tools, sitting down, communicating at a time where you're calm, and that's where the cards help. So back to the practicalities. So if you're communicating, and not giving feedback in the moment, and you're sitting down, when you're calm, what happens is you have a full set of tools, right? Your brain is in a place that can have conversations that are more than just take the damn dishes card, because I never want to do dishes again. That's when Fair Play fails. And that's sort of the beauty of why this took me seven years. It was all to get to the last chapter of the book, which is called the top 13 mistakes couples make and the Fair Play fix.

Eve Rodsky:                           Because I needed to have testing subjects from all walks of life that mirrored the U.S. Census to get a sense of what was tripping people up. So you get to read about all the people's mistakes and how to correct them. But a big mistake was jumping right to the division, because it just became another list. So I did that. That was my first mistake, before I used my own mediation training to sort of develop the system. I just sort of had this game of fight idea, and I gave Seth the garbage card.

Eve Rodsky:                           And so what started happening was I started just following him around the house, sort of as his shadow. I even like opened the door under the sink to just remind him that that's where the garbage liners were. And so he could like trip over it as he was trying to get a snack. And he stopped me one day and said like, "This garbage thing is not working because you're literally stalking me over garbage, and I'm not going to own anything if this is what it feels like to own, something because you're literally stalking me over garbage."

Eve Rodsky:                           So this is my own mistake of just jumping straight to the division. So that's when I had a backup and say, My entire mediation practice for decade is based on values based mediation, where I ask people what is their why? So why am I not bringing that into the system? Well, it's because it's a really weird conversation to talk about your values over garbage, who does that? But what I found was that when you do that, it brings transformative change into the home, transformative change that lasts. And so that's what I started doing.

Eve Rodsky:                           I sat down and said, "So let me tell you why I value garbage. As you know, you went to my house, you saw my apartment on Avenue C in 14th street look like, you saw the Chinese takeout bag that sat on a knob. You saw that there was no garbage can in my house growing up." What happened was garbage would spill on the floor every single day. It would have this little bag, it would overflow. And so I was a very dehydrated child, because after sundown I was afraid to turn on the light in the kitchen, because we have cockroaches and water bugs that would just scatter everywhere.

Eve Rodsky:                           So I'm extremely triggered by garbage. But I'd never thought to tell Seth that. And so we sat down and I told him the story of my upbringing, and then he responds by saying, "Well, I slept on a Domino's pizza box as my pillow, my whole fraternity life. So I don't really care about garbage. I actually like garbage. It doesn't bother me." And so what happens, right when you have such different values over something as simple as garbage. Well then you borrow what I did from the law and from medicine, and you come up with what's reasonable, a minimum standard of care.

Eve Rodsky:                           And that's what we did. So I said to Seth, he said, "I will hold this card. And what feels reasonable to me is if garbage goes out once a day, and I will take it out once a day at 7:00 PM. I'll put it in my calendar like a work appointment, as long as you never fucking mention the word garbage ever again." And ever since that day, garbage goes out at 7:00 PM, and sometimes we re-deal when he's not home, and we take other cards. But that's what happens. 20 minute conversation. You invest in those conversations, and it's a lifetime of change.

Eve Rodsky:                           And so when women say, "Well, I don't want to spend 20 minutes talking about garbage." I love to just grab their phones, and I go to their screen time app, and I promise you they've been on Instagram or Facebook longer than 20 minutes. Invest in your partnerships, treat the homeless some respects because it pays off spades. I really believe change starts in the home. Yeah.

Lauren Schiller:                  Well one of the things that I was really excited about in reading this book was, aside from the very obvious benefits, is this notion of unicorn time, and that that gets to be a card. And when I saw your book, I'm like, "What's this little unicorn doing on that scale there?" So can you explain what you mean by that and let's talk about it.

Eve Rodsky:                           Yeah. It's this idea of unicorn time, unicorn space. I call it that because it's like the mythical equine, it's this beautiful creative space, that we used to have before kids and partnerships. But it doesn't freaking exist, unless we reclaim it. So it's really this idea and it changed the way I wrote the book. I really am an organization manager. I'm a mediator. I get to the presenting problem, the underlying problems. But what stopped me, which kept pulling me back into the fact that this was bigger than just a game, was not only the toxic time message we were giving ourselves, it was the identity loss that was being reported in so many women after children.

Eve Rodsky:                           I don't know who I am anymore. One woman who had three Ivy league degrees said to me when I said, what is your unicorn space? What is your creative space that makes you uniquely you, and how do you share that with the world? She said, "I don't even understand what that question means. It's physics." I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "Well, I'm an object at rest. Object in motion stay in motion, objects in rest stay at rest, and I'm object at rest. I won't even know how to answer that question."

Eve Rodsky:                           And why that was so important. It was because I asked a very provocative question of men. I asked men all over this country, are you proud of your wife, of your wife or your partner? Men always went to, "She's an amazing mother." Okay. I said, "That's great. That's a role." And then they said, "I couldn't do it without her." I said, "That's great. That's a personal assistant, so tell me more." If a woman had her self-worth, something that made her, her, right? Whether it's volunteering with the firefighters, like one woman I interviewed who does American Ninja warrior, or for me the gender division of labor, or baking pies or whatever it is, then the man immediately went to that.

Eve Rodsky:                           It was never like, "Oh, she's an amazing dental hygienist." One guy said to me, "The dental hygienist husband, my wife's perfecting rhubarb," and he went off for 15 minutes about how hard rhubarb is to work with. Because she wants to add rhubarb to her pie collection that she's going to enter in some contest. I don't bake myself like that, but I guess apparently rhubarb gets very runny, and so you have to like perfect it when you're baking. But this man knew so much about rhubarb, because it was his wife's passion. He was picking up on her passion.

Eve Rodsky:                           And so I said it's not about a shaming ourselves to say our spouses need to be proud of us, but it's about us being proud of ourselves. Feeling a little bit like we were here, before we had these roles of being parent, partner and worker. And it really, really affects women and men too. There were some men who said, "I really need to find my unicorn space," as well completely we both need it, and we can't resent our partners for taking it.

Eve Rodsky:                           So I'll just end on that. That's my Harper's Bazaar article, you can look out for it. It's called the Real Midlife Crisis. What happens when the person who loves you the most resents you the most? Because my finding was the three things that most people said made them happy, were adult friendships, self care, true self care, not CBD oil pedicures, but like working out, or walking to the beach with your dog and unicorn space. Those were the three things that we didn't want to give our spouse anytime for.

Eve Rodsky:                           So it's not about breast implants or a Ferrari, it's about bringing back in our happiness trio, which starts with unicorn space, in saying that we all value this. I deserve this as much as you do, even if it's unpaid. And that was the hardest for stay at home mothers, because they said to me, I'm already doing all this unpaid work. How can I add in baking pies on top of that? But they have to, because it's about your marriage. And then what I found out from the research is also about our longevity.

Eve Rodsky:                           It's about our longevity, being who we are and being able to share that with the world and a little, even if it means just like bringing a pie to your neighbor, that is about our longevity.

Lauren Schiller:                  And it's also just about being interesting. You talk about being interesting in the book, interesting to yourself and-

Eve Rodsky:                           You have a right to be interested in your life.

Lauren Schiller:                  Yeah.

Eve Rodsky:                           You have a right to be interested in your own life. And so many women said to me, "I don't feel I have that right to be interested in my own life anymore."

Lauren Schiller:                  All right.

Eve Rodsky:                           Sorry to end on such a downer. The good news is that the after, which is a sequel that I'm writing now, is all these women and men who rediscovered their unicorn space, and it's the most inspiring thing to watch.

Lauren Schiller:                  I just have to say, I feel like it is... how many people here would say they have unicorn space? You know, something that they really value and they get time to do. That's awesome. I mean, is that a good percentage?

Eve Rodsky:                           That's great. I love this room.

Lauren Schiller:                  That's right.

Eve Rodsky:                           40% of the room.

Lauren Schiller:                  Keep doing. Yeah. Yeah. So for those of you who don't, there's a little workbook.

Eve Rodsky:                           Workbook and how to get it back. But I will say that, when I was in blueberries time, right, when I was sobbing on the side of the road, anytime someone would forward me a find your passion and you know article, I would say that's just another fucking thing. I don't have time to do. So thank you for shaming me. You wanted me to have self care. Great. Then you take my kids to school and try to mark up a contract with a pen in your vagina. You try to get some self care time.

Eve Rodsky:                           So I found these very condescending messages to women along with lower your standards, all these other messages I could tell you about all night, because it's just putting more shit on us. So I only believe in unicorn space in the context of domestic rebalance, only in that context. Alone, it's just another thing on our list of shit we don't have time to do.

Lauren Schiller:                  That was Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play, a game changing solution for when you have too much to do and more life live. Speaking with me, live on stage at Inforum at the Commonwealth Club of San Francisco. I'll put a link to Eve's book on my website, inflectionpointradio.org, where you can find future events by clicking on the events tab. Come on out. I'm Lauren Schiller, this is Inflection Point and this is how women rise up.

Lauren Schiller:                  Today's program was produced in part by the generous donation of Gabriel Howard and Martin Scoble. That's our inflection point for today. All of our episodes are on Apple podcasts, RadioPublic, Stitcher, Pandora, NPR One, all the places. Give us a five star review and subscribe to the podcast.

Lauren Schiller:                  Know a woman leading change we should talk to? Let us know at inflectionpointradio.org. While you're there, support our production with a tax deductible monthly or one-time contribution. When women rise up, we all rise up. Just go to inflectionpointradio.org. We're on Facebook and Instagram at Inflection Point Radio. Follow us and join the Inflection Point Society, our Facebook group of everyday activists who seek to make extraordinary change through small daily actions. And follow me on Twitter at L-A-Schiller.

Lauren Schiller:                  To find out more about today's guest, and to be in the loop with our email newsletter, you know where to go, inflection pointradio.org. Inflection point is produced in partnership with K-A-L-W 91.7 FM in San Francisco, and P-R-X. Our community manager is Alaura Weaver. Our engineer and producer is Eric Wayne. I'm your host Lauren Schiller.

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Dr. Alison Dahl Crossley, The Gender Revolution on College Campuses

Dr. Alison Dahl Crossley is the Associate Director of The Clayman Institute for Gender Research at Stanford University. She shares what she discovered on three college campuses about how young women think about feminism. Her new book Finding Feminism: Millennial Activists and the Unfinished Gender Revolution will be out this spring Listen to our conversation on iTunes or NPR One.

Dr. ALISON DAHL CROSSLEY

Dr. ALISON DAHL CROSSLEY